I finally told my mother!

 If you have read my previous post, you will know that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested when I was younger by my stepfather. I was around the age of 11 or 12. I cannot remember exactly how old I was when it started. I have blocked so many memories from my past. I only remember some things that were actually okay in my life. Last week, my mother called to tell me that she is separating from my stepfather of being with him for 30 years or so. So I finally got the courage to tell my mother what her husband did to me when I was younger. The only respond I got from her was an "oh wow', then she continued to talk about whatever it was that we were talking about before. It was not the reaction that I had I was hoping for. I thought she would have reacted differently. I was so broken hearted after hearing her response. After I hung up the phone, I just kept crying. It was really hard. Thankfully my son was taking his nap at the time. He is such a sweet kid and cries when he sees someone else crying. I didn't want him to see my in such pain. I was really depressed the next day. I did not want to do anything at all. I had no energy to deal with the day ahead but I had to because I have a 3 year old and my husband was at work. I had to pull myself together for my son. It is not easy telling my mother. I held in that secret for 20 years. That is very hard to do. It was really hard. I am still hurt and it's been a week. It is not something you can get over quickly. No one knows how the victims feels. To be honest, I do not feel any different than I felt before. I thought that after I told her, I would feel the weight lifted off my shoulders but it did nothing. I am not sure if it is because of how she reacted or something else. All I know is that it made me feel worse. I wish I had a mother like my mother in law. I called her after I had hung up the phone and she is the best mother I can ask for. So, that is it for now. I told my mother and now it is out there. Even though it took me so long to tell her, I finally did. It is never too late to say something. 

Happy New Year!

Everyone out there always has a new year resolution. It is to either lose weight, get a better paying job, getting a house or new car, etc. I normally do not make resolutions because I know that I will not stick by it. On that note, I will say that this year I would like to try and work on things that have hindered me in many ways. First of all, I am very insecure when it comes to certain things. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was physically abuse by my mom. She always like to hit and hit hard. I was also bullied all the time in school and at home. Every time I would come home upset because someone hurt my feelings in school, my mom would just tell me to suck it. I dealt with a lot of trauma growing up. I know trauma is a rough word, but some people experience Growing up, there was a lot of yelling going on in the house. I am 32 years old and I do not deal well with confrontation. I cry if someone gets loud in my face. It brings me back to my childhood. I am also a mother to a 2 year old boy and I find myself constantly yelling at him. And I really don't like when I do it.  It's just I feel overwhelmed and frustrated all the time when I am alone with him. My husband works full time and I work part time and I also recently just started online college to get my degree in Early Childhood Education. I want to be a teacher. I love kids. I am also getting my assistant manager position back. So I will be jugging a little extra things this year but I want to be able to focus on myself and not on the things of my past. I don't want to always play the victim card, not that I do all the time, but I want to move forward with my husband and be the best wife and mother I can be. Yes I was sexually abused, I was physically abused and even mentally abused, but I refused to let that continue to take hold of my and keep my down. I want to get over my insecurities. My only goal is to be a better everything and not allow anyone to tear me down.

It's not easy to talk about abuse!

Hey guys. So I started to try blogging again. So one thing that I constantly think about is how many people do not believe victims of sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. They are always pointing the finger at the victim. Like if a woman goes out and wears something that is showing lots of skin, it doesn't mean she was asking for it. That doesn't give the men a right to take advantage of her. Some men need to control that urge. It's not women fault. So with that being said, I would like to share why it's hard for me to speak out to my mother.  

So in my last post, I had shared some of the memories I have that have a huge affect on me. When I was younger and tried to tell my mother what had happened with my stepdad, she didn't want to believe me. I was abused by my stepfather and by an uncle. What happened with my uncle only happened once. I was laying next to my uncle in front of him. I didn't think it was bad that I was next to him. The next thing I knew his hand was inside my pants. He was touching my butt and caressing it. I got up after that. I had told her what he did. At that time he was living with us. She had kicked him out. When some of my family members found out, they told my mother that it wasn't true. How could they possibly know that if none of them were around when it happened? So she chose to believe them and made it seem like he spanked me because I did something wrong. How could you not believe your own child? I know he was her brother but he was also in and out of jail. So you can see why I am still hesitant to tell her now that I am an adult. 

It is hard for me to say because because of a certain member in my family. He believes that it's easy to talk about being abuse and reporting it. Yes some survivors have the courage to stand up and report the abuse. But when you are a child and do not have the support and protection from your mother, how can you report that her husband is abusing you. And what is sad about this is that his own family told my mother not to marry him because he has had a case against him of abuse but the person recanted. Again I ask, how can a mother not protect her child. 

It is not easy to open up about being sexually abused. Some women and men have more courage than others. Some have people in their corners to back them up and be there for the after affects. As I became an adult, I had several boyfriends. And I was okay with having sex with all of them. Obviously not at the same time. At different points of my life. I've had a one night stand before. Some I had met online. It turned out to be someone I has went to school with. After I would have sex with them, I never felt normal. I didn't feel clean. There were time I cried myself to sleep. I was depressed at one point. I thought about killing myself. I didn't have anyone to share my stories with. I mean I had went to church with my sister before she moved to Florida and I got close to someone who I actually looked up to as a mother figure. I had opened up to her. She helped me pray and to try to forgive. How could I forgive this man for doing with he did to me? And my mother for staying with him? 

In 2011 was when I go onto twitter and began finding other survivors and I was able to share my stories with them. It felt really great to be able to talk to people who have been through what I have. People who supported you even though you are a complete stranger. The I found this blog site and started writing my thought.. After sharing my story on here and on twitter, I started to feel a little better. I found sites that had some resources. I looked up a page called RAINN which is for survivors. And there is also The Joyful Heart Foundation which was created by Mariska Hargitay. I am a huge fan of hers. It's rare to see a lot of celebrities care so deeply for such victims of this abuse. I would love to meet her one day. I would also love to share my story with her. Heck, I'd settled if she read this blog lol. But all jokes aside, she is an amazing woman and God bless her for showing all survivors support and giving us courage to heal and push forward and claim our lives back. 

I am also a mother of a beautiful 18 month old son and I am trying to be the best mother I can be to him. But I do find it hard because I didn't have the best mother figure. I was also physically abuse by her, as well as verbally. Whenever I would come home from school because I was being teased and was upset, instead of her sitting down with me to talk to me about, she would just tell me to suck it up. That wasn't right. She should have sat and talked to me to make me feel better. All she would do is yell and scream and just hit. I am trying to not be like her. I refuse to be that way. I love my son so much and I would hurt someone if they ever hurt my child. 

So with that being said, it's not an easy subject to talk about. It took me til I was in my adult years to speak about what happened to me but only online. So whoever read this whether you are a survivor or not, please show love and support to those who are going through this tough journey. Some may have it easy and speak out, other who are like me with no one in their corner has to hide behind a computer and speak out. Even though I don't have to courage to confront my mother and tell her everything, I hope and pray that others have the courage to do so.  Sorry if this post is confusing or if things seem to be all over the place. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave me a comment. You can also follow me on twitter. 
@silence_no

I'm Back!

       Hey everyone. I know it's been years since I have shared a new post on my blog. Life has had me pretty busy. I see that the last post of mine was talking about the miscarriage I had. Well I am happy to say that I now have a 18 month old son who is healthy and growing like a weed. I am so happy and blessed that God gave me the gift to be a mother. I want to be the best mother I can be to my son. My mother wasn't the best mother. It's sad to say that my mother in law is more of a mother than my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother but our relationship isn't the greatest. If you are new to reading this post, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my stepfather and an uncle. Some of the things that were done to me made me feel so disgusting. One time, while my mother was visiting my sister in Florida, I went into the living room which was also my mom and stepdad's bedroom to sit on the couch and watch television. My brother was in his room which was towards the back of the house. He always stayed there so he never knew anything was going on. My stepdad came up to me and was trying to give me a coin that was really cool. I'm not sure how old I was, maybe 10 or 11. I wanted the coin. But then he started to kiss on me. He started to kiss my lips. I didn't know what to do. He was bribing me with this coin because he knew I wanted it to go to store. I wasn't taught good touch, bad touch. I felt betrayed by my body. It was enjoying it. I didn't enjoy it. What child would enjoy being touched or kissed like that by someone your mother had trusted with. He took advantage of me wanted that coin. I can't remember how long it lasted but in the end, I did get the coin and went to the store.
      Another time, I was in my room. He came into my room. I wasn't sure what he wanted and I can't remember what I was doing. All I remember is that he pinned me against the wall and started brushing his body against mine. The she started dry humping me and til this day I can see the look he had on his face. That smile he had. Like he was really enjoying himself. These are the two images that are engraved in my mind. It's hard to just ignore them.
    I have been blessed with the greatest husband in the whole world. The start of this year was a bit rough. My husband and I hit a really rough patch. I'm not going to get into a lot of detail as to what happened but what I can say is that I didn't realized that what I had gone through affected my marriage in certain ways. My husband told me that I need to stop being a victim and allow the healing to take place. I am a big fan of Mariska Hargitay and I love the show Law and Order SVU and my husband brought that up. I should be like to survivors and finally heal. He believes I won't heal until I tell my mother what has happened me. My mother doesn't know that I was sexually abused by her husband. Yes, she is still with him.
       A few weeks after my sister had went to Florida to help one of our family members with the kids, she had called one of our aunts and disclosed that she was sexually abused by our stepfather. My mother, my stepfather and I went to my aunts house. My sister asked to talk to me. She asked me if my stepfather had touched me inappropriately. I told her yes. Then she spoke to our mother to let her know what was going on. Instead of being a lovely, protective mother, she was angry. Not at our stepdad for what he did but at my sister for " lying".  My mother looks at me and tells me that I need to apologize to my stepfather because my sister is lying and I was trying to be like her and accuse him of doing things. Since I was scared, I had too. Since then, my mother doesn't know anything that he did to me. There was no reason to tell her. Til this day, she is with that monster.
     So yeah, I need he healing and I may need to seek therapy. But I don't believe telling my mother would be ok. I have lived with this for 20 years. I'm going to be 32 in August. My husband and I are in a better place now. I haven't seek helped yet but I will try to find a place. But for now, we are doing great and I wouldn't change it. It's just sad to say that my mother will never get the chance to meet her grandson because of that monster and other things. Who knows, maybe one day I will have more courage and tell her. Or I will just use the internet to share my story and maybe she will come across it. But for now, this is the only way I can share my story. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I will try to share more stories.

Micarriage

Hey guys. Its been a while since I have updated my blog and written anything. I hope everyone is doing well. Well you guys are probably wondering why the title of this post is called miscarriage. Well this past week my husband and I have learned that we were expecting and I learned that I was about 4 week along. But things took a wrong turn. I started to bleed a lot and went to the hospital and it turned out that I had miscarried our baby. It is not an easy thing to hear. I was and am still devastated. We just learned this two days ago so it is very fresh in our heads. My husband seems to be doing better than I am. I mean he gets sad just as I do but I cry more than he does. We are not totally sure what caused it but one of the reasons was that we are two different blood types and the baby possibly had my husband's blood type and my body was trying to fight it off. I am sad but I am doing a bit better today. I was so excited because we have been trying for a year to get pregnant and it had finally happened. But we know that God will bless us again and He is in control of everything He does in our lives. We have nothing to worry about as long as He is in control. Even though we have miscarried, that doesn't mean that we aren't parents. WE are still considered parents because we were pregnant and lost the baby. I can now understand what its like to lose a baby. It may not have head arms, legs, or any of that stuff but it was still a baby that was growing inside me. I know we will be ok and things will get better but for now we are taking things one day at a time. So this is all I have to say for now. Thank you for following my posts and my blog and thank you for all your support. I will give another update after a couple of days. Take care everyone.

Sorry for the Delay in Posts.

Hey my twitter friends and blog readers. Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I used too. I have been busy with school and planning things out for my wedding. I have been blessed with an amazing man and I thank God for him. I love that he is so supportive and wants to protect me from harm. He wants to hurt my stepfather for what he has done to me. He wants to beat him with a bat. I don't want my stepfather to die, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I do want him to suffer. I want him to suffer how he made me suffer for years.

To those who are new to my blog and do not know my story I will talk briefly about it...
Well when I was younger, I don't remember the exact age, but it was around 9 or so, I was being molested by my stepfather while my mother was home. She didn't know anything. One of the first encounters was when I was sick, while my mother was cooking, he decided to rub vapor rub Vic on my back and chest. He then started rubbing my nipples with his hands. Since I was sick and young, I didn't think anything of it. Its not until I got older that I realized what was going on. Another incident again had to do when I was sick. My mother and one of my aunts went to Florida to visit my older sister. I was left with my older brother and my stepfather. I was sick with bronchitis. My stepfather again was taking care of me. I was sitting on the couch under my blanket and my stepfather came in and gave me my medicine. He then started kissing my lips. I was scared and my body seemed to enjoy it but I didn't like that. I wanted to scream but I was scared and frozen in fear. I feel disgusted on how my body reacted. He tried to bribe me with snack and junk food and since I was young and sick I let it happen. I then went to the bathroom and he followed me to the room. He pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moved his body back and forth in a sexual motion against my body. Its like he was having sex with me with clothes on. That was one of the worse things ever and one of the memories that I still struggle with. I remained silent for over ten years. I am 26 now. I began to open up April of 2011 through my original blog. If you want to see the post from there, here is the link tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. At that blog you can see more of my story. I also grew up around domestic violence. So I had a rough childhood. If you want to know more. Check out the originally blog.

I also have been doing very well in my healing process. I think I can say that I am completely healed because I don't cry anymore when I talk about my story. I still deal with flashbacks and triggers but it is not as bad as when I first started speaking out. There is hope for healing so don't give up and keep sharing your story and using your voice. If you have any questions or want to know more you can check out my blog, leave a comment, or email me at tclara87@gmail.com. I will be more than happy to answer any questions.

Once again I have returned.

Hello my fellow survivors and twitter friends who read my blog. I realized the last post was in November and its been about 4 months since I last posted anything. Like I wrote in my last blog I have been dating this great Christian man who loves me and wants to help me get through my triggers and flashbacks. I am not sure if I mentioned this on my last post but I am getting married this year as well. My fiance is from Michigan and I will be moving there for the wedding. I live in NJ at the moment. He came to see me for the week of Valentine day and he proposed to me a few days before Valentines day. It was great and I am so happy.......

I know as a survivor it is hard to trust a man with your heart because you have that fear of being hurt or abused again. You carry along all the emotions and memories of what happened to you during your abuse. I have that problem sometimes while with my fiance. But I thank God that he hasnt left me and wants to be there for me when I am going through my triggers and flashbacks. The reason why I am sharing this again is because we as survivors can regain our lives back. I used to be this quiet little girl/teen/young adult because I was carrying such a huge, deep, dark, secret that was eating me up from the inside and I had no one or anything to help me get it out and get through it. My abuse started when I was younger. I cant remember the exact age that I was but I know it was less then maybe 10 years old. I am 26 now. So for over ten years I had carried that huge secret, which was me being sexually molested by two family member and almost raped by one of them which was my stepfather. When I first started sharing my story to anyone, it was around April 2011, and It was on Facebook. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page and started to interact with some of the other survivors. I didnt know about the Joyful Heart Foundation until I saw that Mariska Hargitay was on twitter and it said she was the found of the JHF. So I did research and saw that she is so involved with survivors. I thought it was great since I am a huge fan of hers. Any way I started to interact with a survivor on the JHF Facebook page and I shared my story with her and she showed me alot of compassion and love and told me that I am not alone and that there are many others out there who have been through the same things. So from that moment on I create a blog to help me share my story to others That blog is still open but I havent posted anything in there for a long time so I created a new one which is this one right now. But you can still visit the old blog which is tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. You can check that one out to see how far I have come in my journey. The point is that its a process, you see I started the journey once I began sharing my story which was in 2011, its been three years since I started that journey and it was recently that I can actually share my story without crying so much about the pain I was put through. It still hurts and I do get emotional still but unlike before that I couldnt handle it, I can handle it better now. The thing is that we can all get through it with the help of fellow survivors and with organizations that specify in this area. There are many foundations out there and some of them are Joyful Heart Foundation, nomore.org, RAINN, and several others. But those are the ones that I help and are involved in. Get the help that you need. Talk to RAINN, they have online chat rooms that can help you through everything and anything, find friends that you trust and talk to them. I never sought out therapy and in some ways I wish I could have but I am a Christian and my God is my healer and my therapist and everything above. He has given me freedom and peace from everything I been through. I know not all of you believe in God so I cant force that on you. But to me He has helped me by bringing great friends into my life to help me through my journey and by bringing me a man who accepts that part of me and is willing and wanting to help me get through it even more. You can too have that same peace if you find someone or an organization to help you through your journey as well. My point to all of this is that if I can make it through even though I doubted sometimes, you can make it through too. We are strong together. We can continue to make a difference by sharing our voices and spreading awareness to others about abuse and about getting help. Lets continue to help these organization by saying #NoMore to abuse, #NoMore Victims, #NoMore!!!!!!! We are the voices, we know how it is to go through something horrible. We can be the light on these issues. All we have to do is have courage to share our voices and our stories and everything will be ok. You can do it. Have faith. You can make it through.

The organizations I mentioned can be found on twitter and here are their twitter names...

Mariska Hargitay who is the president and found of the Joyful Heart foundation @Mariska
The Joyful Heart foundation @TheJHF
nomore.org @NOMOREorg
RAINN @RAINN01

Follow these organizations and many more.

Im back!!!!!!

Hey guys. I know its been months since I have not posted anything new on my blog. I just been busy with  my school and other things. Well to start off I am doing very very well. My healing process is going great too. I have not had many triggers lately. It has been good. Well lets see, new things about me is that I recently started dating someone. He is an incredible man and he knows everything that I have been through and he supports me through my process. He is also a good Christian man and I love that about him since I am also a Christian. He wants to help me through my process. He wants to be there for me when I go through my moments of having flashbacks and triggers. Like most people he wants to hurt the person(s) that did those things to me. He is incredible and he is the love of my life.

The reason why I share this is because as a survivor, sometimes we feel like we will never be able to regain our lives back. But we can. Yes we go through that moment where we don't want to trust anyone with our lives or even get close to men because we don't want to get hurt or anything again so we put up a wall and not let anyone in. But once you go through the process you CAN REGAIN YOUR LIFE BACK!!!! I did. Everyone has gone through their own abuse and its different with everyone. But you can and will get through it. Trust me. If I can do it so can you. SO I leave this as a little encouragement to those who feel like they can never be happy again. YES YOU CAN!!!! Don't let those who hurt you keep control. You are stronger than you realize. Keep pushing forward. You can get through this. Use your voice. Spread awareness. Be strong. Don't give up. I am here for you all. You can and will get through this journey. You are not alone. I am here. We are here for each other.

Thank you to my followers from Twitter.

First of all I would like to thank all of my twitter friends for your unconditional love and support. I truly appreciate what you guys have been doing for me and how you guys have been helping me through my healing journey. I think I can finally say that I am healed. You guys have been so supportive and I truly respect each and everyone one of you. You all mean the world to me whether you tweet me or not. I truly love all of you. You are not only my friends but but my twitter family.

So with that said if you don't know why I am saying this then here goes.... You all give me so much support and I appreciate it. My family hasn't been there only my sister and brother in law. My family doesn't want to believe me and nor does my family. Its hard trying to talk to them. I wish I could tell my family but they don't want to believe me. Its really hard to be in front of my stepfather and put on a fake smile knowing that he abused me. I have to put on an act and its hard. Its not easy talking about this or even trying to seek justice. I never got justice because of fear. So now I am not afraid anymore to talk about my story but it is late for me to seek justice. My justice now is sharing my story and helping others come forward.......

NO LONGER SILENT!!!NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!! LETS END THE VIOLENCE!!!!! LETS END THE SILENT.!!!!!

Once again thank you guys. I love you and I am also here for you all if you need a friend. YOU ALL ARE MY FRIENDS/FAMILY.........

I wish I could tell my mother.

"I wish I could tell my mother" is a thought that runs through my mind constantly. Most of you know why I cant tell my mother about my abuse. I wish I would have had the courage when I was younger to tell her and now it's too late. The reason why its too late is because she suffers from heart problems now and she cant be put through a lot of stress. She only knows about the my uncle molesting me but not about her husband molesting me. Its hard when I am talking to her. I wish I could tell her but I know it will hurt her because she loves this man like crazy. I know its crazy to hear this but if I were to tell her I know it would be my fault if something ends up happening to her. I don't want the blame on me. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would kill myself if something happens to her if I did tell her. I wouldn't be able to handle that at all. I guess this is something that I am going to have to deal with on my own. It sucks not being able to have your mother to talk to. A mother is suppose to be there no matter what. A mother is suppose to help you and protect you from harm. But instead my mother doesn't. She says with a man who is a child molester. She is just as guilty as he is. Some times I wish I was adopted and raised in another family. Maybe things could have been better. Don't get me wrong. I do have a good relationship with my mother but I wish I could just tell her and let it out. That is my biggest burden that I have on my shoulders now. I have all that weight on me and I wish I could just release it. But even though I cant I know I will still heal. I know I am getting closer to it so I will be ok.

Response to previous post!!!!

I know with my last post I had a lot of you worried about me because of how I was feeling about my abuse and everything else. I know I said I felt like my abuse didn't matter. Even though I still feel that way at times I know that my abuse matters. I had the opportunity to talk to RAINN online hotline and they were able to help me realize that my abuse does matter and that what I went through was never my fault. I guess the reason why I feel this way is because I was never able to talk about it til now. Most of you know why I couldn't talk about it before. For those who do not know, my mother doesn't know about my abuse from my stepfather who she is still married too. He also molested my older sister but when my sister told her about it, she didn't believe her so that was one of the reasons why I didn't tell my mother. My mother is in denial about it and til this day she still doesn't want to believe my sister. I was also molested by an uncle. I told my mother about him. At the time he was living with us and after I told her she kicked him out. I took it as she believed me. But after she told the family about it, somehow either they changed her mind or something, she didn't believe me about my uncle which made another reason why I didn't tell my mother about my stepfather molesting me and almost raping me. I say its almost rape because of what he did to me. I am not going to repeat what he did to me because I already wrote it several times so if you want to know just read through the rest of my blog. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Its just talking about the details is still hard for me. I am doing ok with it. I can talk about it but it still hurts and affects me a bit. I am praying and hoping I can finally heal from what I went through. I am doing alot better than how I was doing a year ago. I have been healing but not fully there. I say half way there........

The point that I am trying to get to is that I have come to realize that MY ABUSE does matter. I know what I went through is something hard and is still trauma. No one should have to go through what I went through or what others go through as well. We suffered in different ways and I cant keep comparing what I went through with what others have gone through. Yes some people have gone through worse than me but I still suffered some trauma.

My abuse; does it matter?

TO those who are familiar to my other blog I had, I had posted about this topic on there. If you dont know about it, its ok.

I know those who are reading this are probably thinking why the title says that. I know if I was someone else, I would be scratching my head too. What does she mean does her abuse matter? Doesnt all abuse matter and are traumatic?

Well the reason why I say that is because at times I feel like my abuse doesn't matter. I was molested which felt like I was almost raped. To those who do not know what happened, I was molested by my uncle and also my stepfather. The worse part of it that I am still struggling with is this: My stepfather pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and me moved his body on me and starting rubbing his body on mine in a sexual way. That's why I say I felt like I was raped because of the way he was moving his bottom half. Anyway, I know trauma is trauma no matter if one had it worse than the other. I still suffered. my innocence was still taken from me. Even when I got older it was still happening. It wasn't as bad but I let my stepfather scratch my bad and rub my feet. How can I allow him to touch me after what he did to me when I was a little younger.
Is there something wrong with me? Did I enjoy it? Did I like the attention? Did I enjoy the way it made my body felt?
These are questions that I still have on my mind constantly. How can I do that? How can I let him still touch me that way? What is wrong with me? This is a struggle that I have. Its hard. I never seen a therapist or anything for this. To be honest, my body was enjoying the attention but I didnt want it. How could my body deceive me that way. I hate myself for that. I feel disgusting. I have dealt with so much growing up. My mother used to tell me she never wanted me. Me mother never cared how I felt. When I had a bad day all she would say is "get over it" "its not a big deal". So what I would do is just go to my room and just stuck it up. I bottle my emotions even til this day. I dont like showing my emotions. I keep them in until I cant take it anymore. Its hard. I was also around domestic violence. I posted about this is my previous post.

My point that I am trying to make is that I feel like my abuse does't matter because there are people who have had worse than me. I feel like I dont have the right to complain or to even share my story. Is my story actually making a difference in someone's life. I know someone who was inspired by my story so maybe I am making a difference. I do not know. All I know is that this is how I feel and I cant help it.

Domestic Violence!!!!!

I dont think I ever talk about how I grew up. I know I've spoken about how I was abused and neglected by my mother. But I never really talked about the things I heard growing up. So here goes...........

Growing up with crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and him would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would gave a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didnt know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One thanksgiving day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother woke up angry. She had given me permission to stay with my sister for the four day vacation we had from school but that morning she woke up in a bad mood. I blame myself because I knew she was in a bad mood but I kept asking her if I could stay with my sister but she changed her mind and said no. She had gotten angry and grabbed me by my hair and threw me against the floor that I hit my face on the arm of the rocking chair and I had a bruise on my face. After that incident, my mother allowed me to go to my sisters house where my real dad saw the bruise.When I went to school the following week, DCF ( Department of Children and Family) came to the school to talk to me. I am not sure if it was my father who told or an aunt who was at the house that day. DCF talked to me and told me they had spoken with my mother. When I got home that day my mother had packed up my things and kicked me out.


The point that I am trying to make is that I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence involved. But yet I turned out ok. Instead of letting this affect me which in some ways it does, but I am ok. Some times I suffer from panic attacks. I can deal with people yelling at me. I cant hear people yelling period but I manage to get through it. I thank God I made a promise that I wouldnt go down that road myself. Below are some statistics on Domestic Violence....

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.

• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

• Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.

• Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.

• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.

• The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.

• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents. 

Older Men!

Hey guys how is everyone doing? The reason for this post is that I remember in the beginning of Law and Order SVU, the first season, Mariska Hargitay's character Det. Olivia Benson said something that stood out to me for a long time. Some victims of sexual abuse caused by a father or uncle may cause the victim to seek love in older guys because they long for that fatherly figure that they lost because of the abuse. Well the reason why I write this is because for some reason I like older guys. There are two guys that I was attracted too and they are almost twice my age. I am 25 years old and they are 40 years old. Do you see my point?

SO my thing is this; does my abuse has to do with the fact that I am attracted to older men? My stepfather was my abuser and he also raised me since I was 3 years old. My real father was hardly around even though he came every week. So my father was around much and I got molested by my stepfather. Maybe that does have to do with the reason why I can not like guys my own age. I mean now I am starting to like guys my own age but at times I find it hard. Maybe I am seeking that fatherly love that was taken from me.


Please comment if you want to answer this. I would greatly appreciate your advice and wisdom.

Another Trigger.

 I was going through my old blog to try and copy some of the post from there to paste over to this blog. I went through all the months of my old blog and found post that said "this is me" which had to do with my life. So I went to my new blog to see if I hadn't already post it on that blog. I didn't post that exact post but I wrote about my life story. But when I went to read it, I couldn't even get through the first line or so. I instantly got a trigger and I had to close the page down for a moment. Its been a while since I last had a trigger especially the way I got it now. I never got a trigger by reading my story. The only times I have gotten triggers and flashbacks is when I start thinking about what happened to me. This time, it was reading my story that caused me to get a trigger. I thought I was doing ok. Its been about a month since I last had a trigger. When I first started talking about or should I say writing about what happened to me, I would get triggers of course because I was first starting to talk about. I denied it ever happened to me. I didn't want to admit I was abused. Anyway after a while I was ok with writing it and talking about. I still get teary eyed when I talk about it but not as bad as before. But again I never had a trigger by READING what happened to me..........

See now this makes me think. Could I be getting worse instead of better? Am I not healing at all. I find this strange because like I said it never happened this way before. I couldn't even look at the entire writing. The first thing my eyes went to was what my stepfather did to me. When I saw that, I quickly closed the page down. My mind brought me back to where I was when that happened to me. Some people say its normal but I just think its strange because it never happened that way before. I dont know what to think any more.

Why Couldn't I Get Help?

WHY COULDN'T I GET HELP? WHY COULDN'T I SPEAK OUT BEFORE? WHY DID I STILL LET THE MAN THAT ABUSE ME STILL TOUCH ME? WHY DID MY BODY DECEIVE ME AND LIKED THE TOUCH? WHY? WHY? WHY?.......................................................

These are questions that I constantly ask myself. I still can't find all the answers I need. I never went to therapy which probably could have helped. It took me over 10 years to finally speak out. I spent those years denying what I went through. Why couldn't I tell my mother every time she confronted me? I didn't have the courage to stand up to her and tell her. Now its too late. She has a heart problem and if I put her through that stress something could happen to her and I don't want to have that blame or guilt on me. This is hard at times. I feel like a child trapped in an adult body sometimes...................

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?.................. IS ALL I KEEP ASKING MYSELF!!!!!

DO I have the right to complain??

Lately some things on twitter had me thinking about my life and the abuse I went through. I know most of you know about what I went through because of my other blog. For those who do not know I was molested by an uncle and stepfather. My stepfather was the worse abuse. The one thing I can't get over is what he did when he followed me into my room. He held me against the wall and moved his body back and forth like he was having sex with me. So in ways it feels like I was raped.........

The thing is that I was just molested and violated. My body deceived me because it enjoyed what was being done to it. I still feel disgusted with myself. I know it wasn't my fault but in ways I feel like it is. As an adult when I was still living at home I let him touch me still. I tried to hide what he had done to me. I let him rub my feet and my back when I got home from work. What was wrong with me? That's not right. I didn't want to accept the fact that I was abused by him. I hide the memories. I pretended that it didn't happen.......

So my question is Do I have the right to complain and share my story? Can I help someone with what I been through...........

Sometimes I feel like what I went through isn't bad as what others went through. Others have been through worse but I know trauma is trauma. But its a struggle I deal with every now and then.

Suicidal!!!!!

Hey everyone, like I wrote when I started this blog, I am the one who had the blog tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. That blog is no longer active. You can still read my post but I am not writing on that one. I started this new one because I wanted to do things differently.............

Anyway as you read the title you must be thinking what this post is going to talk about. Well I think I might have mentioned it in my other blog but I will talk about it again. When I was in middle school, I was a little depressed. My sister had moved to Florida and she was the only person who I had that I can talk to about anything that was bothering me. Every time I had a bad day at school I tried telling my mother but all she would say is "stop being stupid, "Get over it" "its not that serious". So I would go to my room and cry because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions in front of my mother. That is why now at times it is hard to  show my emotions. I tend the bottle them up. So my sister would always give me advice. So I got a little depressed when she left plus the fact that I was being abused I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to my mother because my sister was also molested by our stepfather and our mother didn't believe her so I figured she wouldn't believe me. Which I was right because not only was I abused by my stepfather I was also molested by an uncle and when I told my mother, at first she kicked my uncle out since he was living with us, then after a while she didn't believe me and said it was nothing. So one day at school I was feeling really low. Another thing was that I was constantly being teased and made fun of in school. Again my mother didn't care. So a friend of mine was talking to me and I had it with the person that was teasing me and everyone else and I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself out the window. She tells one of our teachers and they call the show psychologist. She sat down with me and asked my why I was feeling that way. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. She then called my mother and her and my stepfather came to the school to come and get me. She was pissed. She hated me for it. She got so made that she said she was going to throw me out the window and said since I wanted to kill myself it would look like a suicide. That was the worst thing I have ever heard. I then had to go see a therapist every two weeks for two months. It wasn't a fun place to go. My mother was still upset about that. After all was over I was okay. Then when I got older and the fact that when I was being abused I tried to deny it by hiding it and not letting anyone know I started to get depressed again. The thoughts of suicide came back but instead of wanting to throw myself out the window I started to cut myself. I know people are going to criticize me for what I am going to say but when I cut myself I would never cut deep. I did it enough where I felt some pain but not enough to leave scars. I know people won't believe me but I don't care. I did it. Anyway I did it for a while and it helped. To be honest with you I stopped cutting just last year in 2011 when I finally moved to New Jersey. I knew I was safe and I wouldn't be hurt again. For those who didn't know I was still living at home with my mother who is still living with my stepfather. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was still depressed. One day I was taking a shower and this was the year I moved. I got so depressed again that I wanted to shallow pills. My mother has a heart problem and her medicines were in the bathroom. I was tempted to take her pills but something stopped me. I know it was God. He has bigger plans for me. But I overcame that urge and just cried myself to sleep. It was when my sister came to visit us in Ct that I decided I wanted to go with her. So now I am happy and doing better. I haven't had the urges of wanting to kill myself. I haven't had much triggers lately. I still struggle with some things but not as much as I was when I was back home..................

Thank You..

I would just like to start out by saying thank you to all my supporters and fellow survivor sisters for helping me through my own healing process as I help you through your own. I am always here to help encourage you to seek help and justice even though I couldn't receive my own. I didn't have a support system like I have now. If I had someone when I was going through the abuse, I would have spoken out and seek justice. But I didn't. Not even my own mother. She is still with the man who molested me and almost raped me. I say its rape because he pinned me against the wall and moved his body back and forth as though he was having sex with me but with clothes on. You know that is the only memory that I struggle with til this day. That happened over ten years ago. How can someone do that to a child? Why? What is the desire to make them hurt a child or woman? How can people be so sick? Can anyone answer these questions for me? I haven't had a trigger in a couple of days. I am still healing. Its hard to heal from something so awful especially since I locked it away for many years. It wasn't until last year in April 2011 that I began sharing my story. I found survivor through the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page by Mariska Hargitay. Through those survivors I found friends who believed my story and helped me through my healing. Through them I also found RAINN which is another organization that helps survivors and victims of sexual violence. They have an online hotline and a number you can call. They also helped me through my healing. I am grateful that I found people who are very supportive. Without them I wouldn't have been able to share my story or my voice.....


So I encourage other women to speak out. I encourage others that if you see a child being harmed, speak out and get help. Don't hold it in. Fight for the children. I made a choice a year ago when I started speaking out. It is hard for me to do at times but I need to speak out about it in order to heal. If I can help other I will keep sharing my voice. I am no longer ashamed of my abuse. Even though my body betrayed me I did not enjoy it. I hated it. I wished it did not happen. I hate that I struggle with my appearance at times. I hate that im afraid to be in a relationship all because of what happened to me. But I know through my healing I will be ok. It takes time but I will be ok. SO CAN YOU. YOU WILL BE OK. I PROMISE. SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. OUR ABUSERS WILL NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL OVER US. I CHOSE TO BE A VOICE FOR SURVIVORS. I WILL NOT STOP. I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here are the twitter names of the organizations I mentioned
Joyful Heart Foundation @TheJHF
RAINN @RAINN01
Mariska Hargitay @Mariska

Unintentional Overdose.

Have you ever overdose on medicine while sick and not mean too? I DID!!!!!!!

Well one day I was extremely sick and I was staying with my sister and father at the time. My dad was drunk in one room and my sister was watching TV. I was fighting a horrible cold or flu. Wasn't sure what it was so my dad had some Robitussin with codon in it. So I didn't to take some to help me feel better. You know how it says to take 2 teaspoons, well I took 2 cups of it. Yeah it wasn't fun. A couple hours later I was still feeling sick and my sister decides to give me some NyQuil  Luckily she only gave me half of the dose of NyQuil just to make sure. She didn't know that I took the 2 cups full of the other medicine. So I take the NyQuil  Shortly after I get extremely exhausted. I didn't know that was possibly. Next thing I knew I was knocked out on the bed. I sleep the whole. I woke up in the morning and feeling completely better. My sister was worried I wasn't going to wake up because I slept so long. Then I told her what I did and she yelled at me and said she could have killed me.............

So yeah I gave myself an overdose without meaning too. So moral of the story is.....You know how they say " Do not operate a machine when tire, well do not serve yourself medication when extremely sick, You can overdose unintentionally"................

I thought this would be a change than writing about my abuse. I want this blog to be different. I can write about my abuse but I also want to write about other things too. If you want to share something on my blog tweet me or email me at tclara87@gmail.com.