Hey guys. So I started to try blogging again. So one thing that I constantly think about is how many people do not believe victims of sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. They are always pointing the finger at the victim. Like if a woman goes out and wears something that is showing lots of skin, it doesn't mean she was asking for it. That doesn't give the men a right to take advantage of her. Some men need to control that urge. It's not women fault. So with that being said, I would like to share why it's hard for me to speak out to my mother.
So in my last post, I had shared some of the memories I have that have a huge affect on me. When I was younger and tried to tell my mother what had happened with my stepdad, she didn't want to believe me. I was abused by my stepfather and by an uncle. What happened with my uncle only happened once. I was laying next to my uncle in front of him. I didn't think it was bad that I was next to him. The next thing I knew his hand was inside my pants. He was touching my butt and caressing it. I got up after that. I had told her what he did. At that time he was living with us. She had kicked him out. When some of my family members found out, they told my mother that it wasn't true. How could they possibly know that if none of them were around when it happened? So she chose to believe them and made it seem like he spanked me because I did something wrong. How could you not believe your own child? I know he was her brother but he was also in and out of jail. So you can see why I am still hesitant to tell her now that I am an adult.
It is hard for me to say because because of a certain member in my family. He believes that it's easy to talk about being abuse and reporting it. Yes some survivors have the courage to stand up and report the abuse. But when you are a child and do not have the support and protection from your mother, how can you report that her husband is abusing you. And what is sad about this is that his own family told my mother not to marry him because he has had a case against him of abuse but the person recanted. Again I ask, how can a mother not protect her child.
It is not easy to open up about being sexually abused. Some women and men have more courage than others. Some have people in their corners to back them up and be there for the after affects. As I became an adult, I had several boyfriends. And I was okay with having sex with all of them. Obviously not at the same time. At different points of my life. I've had a one night stand before. Some I had met online. It turned out to be someone I has went to school with. After I would have sex with them, I never felt normal. I didn't feel clean. There were time I cried myself to sleep. I was depressed at one point. I thought about killing myself. I didn't have anyone to share my stories with. I mean I had went to church with my sister before she moved to Florida and I got close to someone who I actually looked up to as a mother figure. I had opened up to her. She helped me pray and to try to forgive. How could I forgive this man for doing with he did to me? And my mother for staying with him?
In 2011 was when I go onto twitter and began finding other survivors and I was able to share my stories with them. It felt really great to be able to talk to people who have been through what I have. People who supported you even though you are a complete stranger. The I found this blog site and started writing my thought.. After sharing my story on here and on twitter, I started to feel a little better. I found sites that had some resources. I looked up a page called RAINN which is for survivors. And there is also The Joyful Heart Foundation which was created by Mariska Hargitay. I am a huge fan of hers. It's rare to see a lot of celebrities care so deeply for such victims of this abuse. I would love to meet her one day. I would also love to share my story with her. Heck, I'd settled if she read this blog lol. But all jokes aside, she is an amazing woman and God bless her for showing all survivors support and giving us courage to heal and push forward and claim our lives back.
I am also a mother of a beautiful 18 month old son and I am trying to be the best mother I can be to him. But I do find it hard because I didn't have the best mother figure. I was also physically abuse by her, as well as verbally. Whenever I would come home from school because I was being teased and was upset, instead of her sitting down with me to talk to me about, she would just tell me to suck it up. That wasn't right. She should have sat and talked to me to make me feel better. All she would do is yell and scream and just hit. I am trying to not be like her. I refuse to be that way. I love my son so much and I would hurt someone if they ever hurt my child.
So with that being said, it's not an easy subject to talk about. It took me til I was in my adult years to speak about what happened to me but only online. So whoever read this whether you are a survivor or not, please show love and support to those who are going through this tough journey. Some may have it easy and speak out, other who are like me with no one in their corner has to hide behind a computer and speak out. Even though I don't have to courage to confront my mother and tell her everything, I hope and pray that others have the courage to do so. Sorry if this post is confusing or if things seem to be all over the place. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave me a comment. You can also follow me on twitter.
@silence_no
@silence_no
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