TO those who are familiar to my other blog I had, I had posted about this topic on there. If you dont know about it, its ok.
I know those who are reading this are probably thinking why the title says that. I know if I was someone else, I would be scratching my head too. What does she mean does her abuse matter? Doesnt all abuse matter and are traumatic?
Well the reason why I say that is because at times I feel like my abuse doesn't matter. I was molested which felt like I was almost raped. To those who do not know what happened, I was molested by my uncle and also my stepfather. The worse part of it that I am still struggling with is this: My stepfather pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and me moved his body on me and starting rubbing his body on mine in a sexual way. That's why I say I felt like I was raped because of the way he was moving his bottom half. Anyway, I know trauma is trauma no matter if one had it worse than the other. I still suffered. my innocence was still taken from me. Even when I got older it was still happening. It wasn't as bad but I let my stepfather scratch my bad and rub my feet. How can I allow him to touch me after what he did to me when I was a little younger.
Is there something wrong with me? Did I enjoy it? Did I like the attention? Did I enjoy the way it made my body felt?
These are questions that I still have on my mind constantly. How can I do that? How can I let him still touch me that way? What is wrong with me? This is a struggle that I have. Its hard. I never seen a therapist or anything for this. To be honest, my body was enjoying the attention but I didnt want it. How could my body deceive me that way. I hate myself for that. I feel disgusting. I have dealt with so much growing up. My mother used to tell me she never wanted me. Me mother never cared how I felt. When I had a bad day all she would say is "get over it" "its not a big deal". So what I would do is just go to my room and just stuck it up. I bottle my emotions even til this day. I dont like showing my emotions. I keep them in until I cant take it anymore. Its hard. I was also around domestic violence. I posted about this is my previous post.
My point that I am trying to make is that I feel like my abuse does't matter because there are people who have had worse than me. I feel like I dont have the right to complain or to even share my story. Is my story actually making a difference in someone's life. I know someone who was inspired by my story so maybe I am making a difference. I do not know. All I know is that this is how I feel and I cant help it.
You may want to see a therapist to learn new ways to explore and to grow from your childhood trauma. It's not healthy to spend a lot of time living in past hurtful memories. I too had a very difficult childhood, filled with mental illness and anger and abuse,verbal and emotional from my parents and siblings in my family.. I am only now beginning to see the trauma in my childhood. I lived it, but I choose not to relive it every day of my life.I wish you much wellness on your journey of letting go and learning a new way to live.
ReplyDeleteI cant afford a therapist at the moment. I am trying not to live in the past and I am trying to let go of what happened to me but when you are constantly hearing people blame the victim or say you dont have the right to complain, then it gets to me and maybe I shouldnt be complaining about what happened to me.
DeleteI thought the same after I was raped, it didn't matter, I was lucky compared to other people. Only in therapy did I understand that it was not my fault, I did matter.
ReplyDeleteYou do matter & what happened to you. I'll say it as much as need be! Therapy can be very beneficial and I totally recommend it but I understand it is not easy to go to.
Thank you. This is how I feel at times and I feel like people care more about those who were raped than those who were molested. No offence to you. I know I matter. Its just hard to believe sometime. Maybe I will go to therapy sometime. Not sure. still thinking about.
DeleteLook up a song by Gwen Smith: here is the link on youtube: Broken to Beautiful http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xDW8B6ibrJM
ReplyDeleteWhat happens to us matters. We matter. Our pain matters. You matter to God. He is with you. He is with me. Our abuse affected our inner-most soul, not just our bodies. We feel broken, but God is the God of healing.
Thank you. I know we matter to God. I am also a Christian just backslid a bit. I know we matter. I know God is healing me. Its just taking time.
DeleteThat song is so beautiful.. Thank you.
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