Suicidal!!!!!

Hey everyone, like I wrote when I started this blog, I am the one who had the blog tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. That blog is no longer active. You can still read my post but I am not writing on that one. I started this new one because I wanted to do things differently.............

Anyway as you read the title you must be thinking what this post is going to talk about. Well I think I might have mentioned it in my other blog but I will talk about it again. When I was in middle school, I was a little depressed. My sister had moved to Florida and she was the only person who I had that I can talk to about anything that was bothering me. Every time I had a bad day at school I tried telling my mother but all she would say is "stop being stupid, "Get over it" "its not that serious". So I would go to my room and cry because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions in front of my mother. That is why now at times it is hard to  show my emotions. I tend the bottle them up. So my sister would always give me advice. So I got a little depressed when she left plus the fact that I was being abused I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to my mother because my sister was also molested by our stepfather and our mother didn't believe her so I figured she wouldn't believe me. Which I was right because not only was I abused by my stepfather I was also molested by an uncle and when I told my mother, at first she kicked my uncle out since he was living with us, then after a while she didn't believe me and said it was nothing. So one day at school I was feeling really low. Another thing was that I was constantly being teased and made fun of in school. Again my mother didn't care. So a friend of mine was talking to me and I had it with the person that was teasing me and everyone else and I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself out the window. She tells one of our teachers and they call the show psychologist. She sat down with me and asked my why I was feeling that way. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. She then called my mother and her and my stepfather came to the school to come and get me. She was pissed. She hated me for it. She got so made that she said she was going to throw me out the window and said since I wanted to kill myself it would look like a suicide. That was the worst thing I have ever heard. I then had to go see a therapist every two weeks for two months. It wasn't a fun place to go. My mother was still upset about that. After all was over I was okay. Then when I got older and the fact that when I was being abused I tried to deny it by hiding it and not letting anyone know I started to get depressed again. The thoughts of suicide came back but instead of wanting to throw myself out the window I started to cut myself. I know people are going to criticize me for what I am going to say but when I cut myself I would never cut deep. I did it enough where I felt some pain but not enough to leave scars. I know people won't believe me but I don't care. I did it. Anyway I did it for a while and it helped. To be honest with you I stopped cutting just last year in 2011 when I finally moved to New Jersey. I knew I was safe and I wouldn't be hurt again. For those who didn't know I was still living at home with my mother who is still living with my stepfather. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was still depressed. One day I was taking a shower and this was the year I moved. I got so depressed again that I wanted to shallow pills. My mother has a heart problem and her medicines were in the bathroom. I was tempted to take her pills but something stopped me. I know it was God. He has bigger plans for me. But I overcame that urge and just cried myself to sleep. It was when my sister came to visit us in Ct that I decided I wanted to go with her. So now I am happy and doing better. I haven't had the urges of wanting to kill myself. I haven't had much triggers lately. I still struggle with some things but not as much as I was when I was back home..................