Suicidal!!!!!

Hey everyone, like I wrote when I started this blog, I am the one who had the blog tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. That blog is no longer active. You can still read my post but I am not writing on that one. I started this new one because I wanted to do things differently.............

Anyway as you read the title you must be thinking what this post is going to talk about. Well I think I might have mentioned it in my other blog but I will talk about it again. When I was in middle school, I was a little depressed. My sister had moved to Florida and she was the only person who I had that I can talk to about anything that was bothering me. Every time I had a bad day at school I tried telling my mother but all she would say is "stop being stupid, "Get over it" "its not that serious". So I would go to my room and cry because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions in front of my mother. That is why now at times it is hard to  show my emotions. I tend the bottle them up. So my sister would always give me advice. So I got a little depressed when she left plus the fact that I was being abused I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to my mother because my sister was also molested by our stepfather and our mother didn't believe her so I figured she wouldn't believe me. Which I was right because not only was I abused by my stepfather I was also molested by an uncle and when I told my mother, at first she kicked my uncle out since he was living with us, then after a while she didn't believe me and said it was nothing. So one day at school I was feeling really low. Another thing was that I was constantly being teased and made fun of in school. Again my mother didn't care. So a friend of mine was talking to me and I had it with the person that was teasing me and everyone else and I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself out the window. She tells one of our teachers and they call the show psychologist. She sat down with me and asked my why I was feeling that way. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. She then called my mother and her and my stepfather came to the school to come and get me. She was pissed. She hated me for it. She got so made that she said she was going to throw me out the window and said since I wanted to kill myself it would look like a suicide. That was the worst thing I have ever heard. I then had to go see a therapist every two weeks for two months. It wasn't a fun place to go. My mother was still upset about that. After all was over I was okay. Then when I got older and the fact that when I was being abused I tried to deny it by hiding it and not letting anyone know I started to get depressed again. The thoughts of suicide came back but instead of wanting to throw myself out the window I started to cut myself. I know people are going to criticize me for what I am going to say but when I cut myself I would never cut deep. I did it enough where I felt some pain but not enough to leave scars. I know people won't believe me but I don't care. I did it. Anyway I did it for a while and it helped. To be honest with you I stopped cutting just last year in 2011 when I finally moved to New Jersey. I knew I was safe and I wouldn't be hurt again. For those who didn't know I was still living at home with my mother who is still living with my stepfather. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was still depressed. One day I was taking a shower and this was the year I moved. I got so depressed again that I wanted to shallow pills. My mother has a heart problem and her medicines were in the bathroom. I was tempted to take her pills but something stopped me. I know it was God. He has bigger plans for me. But I overcame that urge and just cried myself to sleep. It was when my sister came to visit us in Ct that I decided I wanted to go with her. So now I am happy and doing better. I haven't had the urges of wanting to kill myself. I haven't had much triggers lately. I still struggle with some things but not as much as I was when I was back home..................

Thank You..

I would just like to start out by saying thank you to all my supporters and fellow survivor sisters for helping me through my own healing process as I help you through your own. I am always here to help encourage you to seek help and justice even though I couldn't receive my own. I didn't have a support system like I have now. If I had someone when I was going through the abuse, I would have spoken out and seek justice. But I didn't. Not even my own mother. She is still with the man who molested me and almost raped me. I say its rape because he pinned me against the wall and moved his body back and forth as though he was having sex with me but with clothes on. You know that is the only memory that I struggle with til this day. That happened over ten years ago. How can someone do that to a child? Why? What is the desire to make them hurt a child or woman? How can people be so sick? Can anyone answer these questions for me? I haven't had a trigger in a couple of days. I am still healing. Its hard to heal from something so awful especially since I locked it away for many years. It wasn't until last year in April 2011 that I began sharing my story. I found survivor through the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page by Mariska Hargitay. Through those survivors I found friends who believed my story and helped me through my healing. Through them I also found RAINN which is another organization that helps survivors and victims of sexual violence. They have an online hotline and a number you can call. They also helped me through my healing. I am grateful that I found people who are very supportive. Without them I wouldn't have been able to share my story or my voice.....


So I encourage other women to speak out. I encourage others that if you see a child being harmed, speak out and get help. Don't hold it in. Fight for the children. I made a choice a year ago when I started speaking out. It is hard for me to do at times but I need to speak out about it in order to heal. If I can help other I will keep sharing my voice. I am no longer ashamed of my abuse. Even though my body betrayed me I did not enjoy it. I hated it. I wished it did not happen. I hate that I struggle with my appearance at times. I hate that im afraid to be in a relationship all because of what happened to me. But I know through my healing I will be ok. It takes time but I will be ok. SO CAN YOU. YOU WILL BE OK. I PROMISE. SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. OUR ABUSERS WILL NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL OVER US. I CHOSE TO BE A VOICE FOR SURVIVORS. I WILL NOT STOP. I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here are the twitter names of the organizations I mentioned
Joyful Heart Foundation @TheJHF
RAINN @RAINN01
Mariska Hargitay @Mariska

Unintentional Overdose.

Have you ever overdose on medicine while sick and not mean too? I DID!!!!!!!

Well one day I was extremely sick and I was staying with my sister and father at the time. My dad was drunk in one room and my sister was watching TV. I was fighting a horrible cold or flu. Wasn't sure what it was so my dad had some Robitussin with codon in it. So I didn't to take some to help me feel better. You know how it says to take 2 teaspoons, well I took 2 cups of it. Yeah it wasn't fun. A couple hours later I was still feeling sick and my sister decides to give me some NyQuil  Luckily she only gave me half of the dose of NyQuil just to make sure. She didn't know that I took the 2 cups full of the other medicine. So I take the NyQuil  Shortly after I get extremely exhausted. I didn't know that was possibly. Next thing I knew I was knocked out on the bed. I sleep the whole. I woke up in the morning and feeling completely better. My sister was worried I wasn't going to wake up because I slept so long. Then I told her what I did and she yelled at me and said she could have killed me.............

So yeah I gave myself an overdose without meaning too. So moral of the story is.....You know how they say " Do not operate a machine when tire, well do not serve yourself medication when extremely sick, You can overdose unintentionally"................

I thought this would be a change than writing about my abuse. I want this blog to be different. I can write about my abuse but I also want to write about other things too. If you want to share something on my blog tweet me or email me at tclara87@gmail.com.

Crying Out

Hey guys how is everyone doing? I just wanted to say that I am doing better these days. I know recently I have been having some bad nights or days where my memories would effect me and I would just break down and cry. I didn't realize that during your healing process you will be doing a lot of crying. I get tired of crying but I know that I need to let out a big cry and let everything go. Its hard to let this go. Its not an easy task to do. I wish people can understand that what we've been through is not something that you can easily get over. It cant happen over night and if you do try to fix it in one night you in the end will be harming yourself. You're not getting the proper healing and it will effect you in the future. I thought that by denying what happened to me would help me forget about it but it just hurt me in the end. I was always in a depressive state of mind. I wanted to kill myself. I tried cutting myself too but I wouldn't make the cuts deep enough. I hated my life. I have always wondered what it would be like if I didn't exist. My mother didn't want me. She told me she never planned to have me. I was a surprise to her. She was about 3 or 4 months pregnant with me before she knew. I always felt like I wasn't wanted but since I was smaller she always favored me. I was the spoiled one. But now I have a hard time talking to my mother because every time I call her my stepfather picks up the phone and I start to feel all disgusted inside and I panic because it brings back the memory of what he did to me. He did a lot to me but the one thing that he did is that one memory I still suffer with.........

The one memory that I cant get rid of is this................
My stepfather had followed me to my room and then he pinned me against the wall with my back against the wall and moved in body back and forth like he was having sex with me or trying to have sex with me. So in some ways its like I was raped just with clothes on. I hate that I still suffer with that memory. I remember being in church and a friend of mine was praying over me helping me to ask God to help me forgive my stepfather. I had already forgiven my uncle for what he had done to me because it wasn't as bad as the one from my stepfather nor did it last as long as the abuse from my stepfather. Anyway she had my repeat saying I forgive him but I couldn't even say those words. I was crying out so much and I was in pain and I could't bring myself to forgive him. After a while I told God I forgive him. I forgave him but I am still struggling. I know I didn't fully forgive me. I know I need to forgive him in order to get my fully healed but I cant do it. I am trying but it is truly hard. I will eventually get to the point where I can forgive him with the help of my Lord and Savior but until then I will just keep trying to heal and help others in. I believe I can heal by helping others. I get happy when I see others seek help and justice they deserve. I didn't get justice and even though I think I can still receive mine , I don't want to go down that road. I know another part of my healing my have to do with telling my mother about what my stepfather had done, her husband. But again I can't bring myself to tell her because she has a heart condition and I do not want to have the guilt if something happens to her but I pray I get the courage to be able to speak to her or that God opens her eyes to the truth.

Another bad night!!!!!!!

I had another bad night where I have been crying again. I still haven't fully healed from what happened to me. Its just I haven't fully let everything go. There is a lot of stuff that I haven't really talked about in my blog or with other people. There is a lot of my abuse that I haven't shared. I feel disgusting at times because even though my stepfather was abusing me I would still allow him to touch my back and things like that and I felt horrible. Why would anyone let someone continue to touch after being abused? Well I did and I didn't like it. I was scared to stop it because he would bribe me not to say anything. Even as I got older and was still living at home and with my mother. People would say that I enjoyed the abuse. I didn't enjoy it. People who haven't been through this type of abuse wouldn't understand how I felt or why I couldn't get the justice I needed to. The reason why I can't fully heal is because I can't tell my mother what happened because she has a serious heart problem and she can't take all this stress. Its hard for me. It sucks that I can't tell her anything and I know that if I ever go to counseling they would tell me that I have to tell her in order for me to fully heal. People don't understand why I cant tell her and that's hurtful. Try putting yourself in my shoes and you tell me if its easy. The most sickening thing of all is the fact that my mother would be in the house when my stepfather abused me. Whenever he scratched my back he would do it in front her and he would touch my breasts and then he would rub my thighs. My mother would see this and wouldn't say anything. How could she allow this man to do this. She was so damn blind that she didn't care. Its hurts to know that I wouldn't ever be able to tell her. I hate that.

Another Flashback

Last night was one of the worse nights I have had in a while. I was hanging outside with my brother in law and my sister on our front porch. I was feeling stressed out so I smoked a cigarette which I haven't smoked in over a year. My brother in law asked me what was wrong and I broke down and told him that one of the memories from my abused is still haunting me. The memory was of when my stepfather pinned me against the wall and rubbed his body on mine like he was trying to have sex with me and he had a smile on his face. That memory still hurts because as much as I try to get rid of it, its still there. So we talked because I blame myself for my abuse. I allowed my stepfather to still touch me for years after. It wasn't until I moved out that I stopped it. I feel like a hypocrite because I let him touch me and I didn't do anything about it. I feel bad because I tell people to get help and seek justice but I couldn't do the same for myself. I feel like he is going to come and hurt me again. I'm afraid that if I ever have to move back home he is going to hurt me again. I was crying and feeling so guilty. I blame myself still. I know its not my fault. The memories are hard to bare. Every time that I decide to dress nice and feel good about myself, I hesitate because I am afraid that I will get hurt again. I know I am safe here with my sister and my brother in law. I feel ashamed at times because of the way my body acted during the abuse. My body enjoyed it while my mind was saying "no" "stop" but the words did not come out. I was just really down last night. The things that I had to go through. He took advantage of me when my sister was living in Florida and my mother went to see her. I was left with my stepfather and caught bronchitis. I was sitting on the couch was tv and he would come and kiss me on the neck and then the lips. I didn't know what to do or how to act. My body betrayed me. Then he would bribe me with money and candy and such just so I wouldn't say anything. I felt so disgusted. I still feel that way. I feel like no one is going to believe me because I let it go on for so long and I still allowed him top touch me. I feel so horrible at times. But I know I will keep healing the more I talk about my abuse. I want to heal because I am studying to be a counselor and if I cant heal how I can help others heal.


I just wanted to share this with you guys because I had a rough night. I wanted to share with you my thoughts and my fears. I hope that this does not give anyone triggers and I apologize if it does. Thank you for allowing me to open up to you all about my story. I hope I can help others heal as well as them help me.

This is a Call to Men and Women to end Violence against Women

BELOW IS SOME INFORMATION I RECEIVE VIA EMAIL FROM THE VERIZON FOUNDATION, NO MORE ORGANIZATION AND OTHER FOUNDATIONS THAT ARE INVOLVED IN ENDING VIOLENCE ON WOMEN SUCH AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AND SEXUAL ABUSE........................THIS IS THE INFORMATION I RECEIVED IN MY EMAIL THAT I AM SHARING WITH EVERYONE. PLEASE FOLLOW VERIZON FOUNDATION. NO MORE, JOYFUL HEART FOUNDATION AND MARISKA HARGITAY ON TWITTER SINCE THEY ARE PART OF THIS. THANK YOU AND PLEASE HELP END VIOLENCE ON WOMEN........... ESPECIALLY MEN. STAND UP AND END THE VIOLENCE. WE WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL CREATURES THAT OUR CREATOR MADE TO BE LOVED AND CHERISH. NOT TREATED LIKE TRASH AND TO BE BEATEN. I NEVER BEEN IN A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE RELATIONSHIP BUT I AS A WOMAN THIS ABUSE HAS TO END. LETS SHARE OUR VOICES AND SPREAD THE WORD. 

Follow on twitter.......

Mariska Hargitay-@Mariska

Verizon Foundation-@verizongiving

Joyful Heart Foundation-@TheJHF 

NO MORE-@NOMOREorg 

(INFO VIA EMAIL) 

Your Voice Counts, is a new awareness effort designed to get bystanders, and especially male bystanders, involved in preventing domestic violence. So often this issue is thought of as “a women’s issue” or  “a private matter between couples,” but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Domestic violence is everyone’s issue, because of the detrimental impact it has on our communities and families. 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7  men experience physical violence, rape or stalking from an intimate partner in their lifetimes, proof that everyone knows someone who has experienced or been impacted by these crimes. But despite its pervasiveness, domestic violence remains a very hidden and misunderstood issue.

Your Voice Counts is empowering men and women to break the silence and start conversations with the people in their lives about this critical problem. It’s not an easy conversation to have, but Your Voice Counts features an online resource guide to help bystanders start talking. It’s tools include “Five Ways for Men to Speak Up Against Domestic Violence,” and “How to Start the Conversation with a Friend, Co-worker or Survivor.” Your Voice Counts also includes

 a new video PSA featuring Sportscaster James Brown and the compelling testimonies of survivors.

Your Voice Counts is a collaborative project being led by the Verizon Foundation and their partners the Joyful Heart Foundation, A CALL TO MEN and the new symbol for domestic violence and sexual assault prevention, NO MORE.

Verizon Foundation Launches New Domestic Violence Awareness Effort Encouraging All Men to Join and Engage in Prevention Efforts

CBS and Showtime Sportscaster James Brown Kicks Off 'Your Voice Counts' Campaign Through New Public Service Announcements; Showing How Men Can Get Involved Using Online Resources

The Verizon Foundation has launched a new domestic violence awareness campaign that seeks to engage and empower men to speak up and be part of the solution to end the violence.

The Your Voice Counts campaign is designed to help men, women and communities to start talking about domestic violence and bring this often silent issue out into the open.

"Silence is a large part of the problem surrounding domestic violence," said Verizon Foundation President Rose Stuckey Kirk. "Your Voice Counts aims to address that problem directly by equipping men and women with readily available online resources they need to talk about domestic violence in their communities, to seek help for victims, and to prevent further acts of violence and abuse. Using our resources to address domestic violence is just one way that Verizon shares its success to help make the world a better place."

Your Voice Counts also includes a series of public service announcements; a get-involved action guide; and a range of resources developed by organizations working in the field to prevent domestic violence including A CALL TO MEN , a national men's violence prevention organization, and the Joyful Heart Foundation , a leading organization focused on healing and empowering survivors of domestic violence, sexual assault and child abuse. Your Voice Counts and its resources were created specifically for men, and offer a variety of ways everyone can make a difference in their communities by speaking out against domestic violence.

PSAs featuring James Brown Are available on Verizon's YouTube channel  and the Verizon Foundation website .

Ted Bunch, co-founder of A CALL TO MEN, said, "We encourage and invite men to become the solution to preventing domestic violence by raising their voices and awareness through Your Voice Counts.  Together, we can all create a better world for our daughters, our sons, our sisters, our mothers and ultimately ourselves."

Domestic violence is one of the most critical public health issues for women, resulting in serious, long-term health impacts and devastating effects on children and families.  According to a report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 7 men in the U.S. have experienced severe physical violence by an intimate partner at some point in their lifetimes.

Maile Zambuto, CEO of the Joyful Heart Foundation, said: "Despite the pervasiveness of domestic violence, it remains a widely hidden issue in our society. And although women and children represent the majority of victims of domestic violence, it isn't just a women's issue. Men are affected as well -- as victims, as perpetrators and as witnesses and bystanders. Engaging men is an important part of the movement to address, prevent and -- one day -- end domestic violence."

In the Your Voice Counts public service announcements, sportscaster James Brown speaks with both male and female survivors of domestic violence who share their compelling testimonies, emphasize the important role that men play in preventing domestic violence, and encourage viewers to start conversations about this critical issue.  The PSAs are available on Verizon's YouTube channel  and the Verizon Foundation website .

Brown said, "Domestic violence is an epidemic in all of our communities that deepened my personal commitment and desire to help end domestic violence.  It's my hope that millions of men join me in this campaign."

The Your Voice Counts action guide contains concrete steps for how users can help prevent domestic violence and intervene if it is suspected.  The guide's tools include a list of five ways men can speak up about domestic violence; examples of how to start conversations with others including friends, co-workers, children, survivors, coaches and students; and facts and statistics about the issue, including who is impacted and in what ways.

The online action guide also makes it easy for users to share suggested messages and information via email, Facebook and Twitter. Your Voice Counts can be accessed online and on mobile devices at www.verizonfoundation.org/yourvoicecounts .

The Verizon Foundation, A CALL TO MEN and the Joyful Heart Foundation support NO MORE , a new overarching symbol, like the pink breast cancer ribbon and the yellow "support our troops" ribbon, that is bringing together all people, organizations and communities that support ending domestic violence and sexual assault in our society. For more information on NO MORE, to get involved or to get the symbol, visit www.nomore.org .

The Verizon Foundation is focused on accelerating social change by using the company's innovative technology to help solve pressing problems in education, health care and energy management. Since 2000, the Verizon Foundation has invested more than half a billion dollars to improve the communities where Verizon employees work and live. Verizon's employees are generous with their donations and their time, having logged more than 6.2 million hours of service to make a positive difference in their communities. For more information about Verizon's philanthropic work, visit www.verizonfoundation.org ; or for regular updates, visit the Foundation on Facebook (www.facebook.com/verizonfoundation ) and Twitter (www.twitter.com/verizongiving ).

About A CALL TO MENA CALL TO MEN works to create a world where all men and boys are loving and respectful and all women and girls are valued and safe. A CALL TO MEN (ACTMen) works nationally and internationally to galvanize a movement of men committed to ending violence and discrimination against women and girls. ACTMen partners with the Verizon Foundation and the NFL Players Association on the Training Camps for Life initiative, teaching teens about healthy and respectful relationships. ACTMen is a founding partner of the Engaging Men Campaign and is contributing to the development and launch of the campaign, outreach efforts and educational resources. For more information about ACTMen visit www.acalltomen.org .

About the Joyful Heart Foundation Actress and advocate Mariska Hargitay founded the Joyful Heart Foundation in 2004 with the intention of helping survivors heal and reclaim their lives. Today, Joyful Heart's mission is to heal, educate and empower survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse, and to shed light into the darkness that surrounds these issues. Joyful Heart's vision is a community that is empowered with knowledge, courage and compassion to help survivors of sexual assault, domestic violence and child abuse heal mind, body and spirit; values and dedicates resources to individuals and families that have been affected by these issues; and seeks to ignite and foster an open dialogue about how to collaboratively end the cycle of violence and abuse. For more information about the Joyful Heart Foundation, please visit www.joyfulheartfoundation.org .

About James BrownJames Brown serves as host for the CBS Television Network's NFL pre-game show, THE NFL TODAY, along with analysts Dan Marino, Shannon Sharpe, Boomer Esia­son and Bill Cowher.  THE NFL TODAY will host Super Bowl XLVII in New Orleans this February. Brown also hosts INSIDE THE NFL alongside ana­lysts Phil Simms and Cris Collinsworth. Earlier this year, he was named Special Correspondent for CBS News contributing to 60 MINUTES, CBS THIS MORNING and CBS EVENING NEWS. Three-time Emmy award winner for Outstanding Studio Host for THE NFL TODAY and FOX NFL SUNDAY, in 2010, JB was named "Best Studio Host of the Decade" by Sports Illustrated.com.  Brown's first book, Role of a Lifetime: Reflections on Faith, Family and Significant Living, relayed how he found the role he was meant to play, highlighting both the good and bad decisions he made along the way, teaching readers how to discover life's purpose for themselves. He is a co-founder and principal of the Brown Technology Group, a certified minority owned and operated information technology company, and is a founding partner of the Washington Nationals.  Brown serves as AARP's Community Ambassador. No stranger to charitable efforts, JB hosted the P.U.L.S.E. Awards, featuring "The JB Awards" where NFL players are honored for their outstanding community service, benefiting Special Olympics DC and partners with Michael Wilbon for an annual celebrity golf tournament benefiting DC College Access Program, providing counseling and financial assistance to students to attend and graduate college. He is a cause-related marketing advocate on issues including domestic violence prevention with the Verizon Foundation. He resides in the Washington D.C., Metropolitan area with his wife, Dorothy.  JB's daughter Katrina and her husband, John, have three daughters.  

About VerizonVerizon Communications Inc. (NYSE, Nasdaq: VZ ), headquartered in New York, is a global leader in delivering broadband and other wireless and wireline communications services to consumer, business, government and wholesale customers.  Verizon Wireless operates America's most reliable wireless network, with nearly 96 million retail customers nationwide.  Verizon also provides converged communications, information and entertainment services over America's most advanced fiber-optic network, and delivers integrated business solutions to customers in more than 150 countries, including all of the Fortune 500.  A Dow 30 company with $111 billion in 2011 revenues, Verizon employs a diverse workforce of 184,500.  For more information, visit www.verizon.com .

VERIZON'S ONLINE NEWS CENTER: Verizon news releases, executive speeches and biographies, media contacts, high-quality video and images, and other information are available at Verizon's News Center on the World Wide Web atwww.verizon.com/news .  To receive news releases by email, visit the News Center and register for customized automatic delivery of Verizon news releases.

Another Childhood Memory

Here is another childhood memory that I havent really shared with anyone..........

Growing up was a bit difficult. I know I cant compare to most people who live on the streets or countries that they dont have anything. But I remember this one memory. We grew up in the poor class. At this time my parents had already been divorced and my mom was married to my stepfather. We lived off of social security and on welfare. I dont remember the reason whether it was because there was a black out or we didnt pay the light bill. But for a couple days or so every morning before school around 6am we would get up and our mother would boil hot water to take a bath because there was no heat or gas in the house. So we had to boil alot of water to fill up the tub at least half way so me, my older sister and older brother could take a bath. We had to use the same bath water to bathe in. How horrible and disgusting that is to have to use the same dirty water. I know its nothing compared to those who live in countries that have dirty water and they also bathe in it. But i hated having to do this. I felt gross.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. Its one memory I have of my childhood.

Two Poems I wrote.

Here are two poems that I wrote about my abuse. Hope this doesn't give anyone triggers. Sometimes when I read them I still get flashbacks but I try to calm myself down.

OUR LITTLE SECRET....

We both walk around as if nothing happened as if you didnt do anything to me. As I look in the eyes of my abuser who I call my stepfather and as he looks at me, his eyes seem to tell me a story. It's our little secret. No one will ever know. No one will believe you. And he smiles. Fear grows inside me and disgust just runs through my veins. I cringe at the sight of him. Why does he have to be like that? Why can't I do anything else to stop him? Those were the questions that ran through my mind after the abuse had occurred. But he doesnt know that I have broken the silence and the vow of that secret. He will no longer have control of me. He can look me in the eye and think that no one knows but hes wrong. Thats my secret. No more silence. 

THE STRANGER  I KNEW.......

The stranger I knew was a family member. Always treated me kind and showed alot of love towards me. But I didnt know that the love he showed would deceive me. He made me feel like a prisoner. He brought me to a dark and dreary place. A place only seen in a nightmare. The way that he touched me paralyzed me and made it difficult to escape. He made me feel like a helpless child without a mother. Hes lips touched mine as if there was some type of magnetic force pulling us together. I wanted to scream for help but I couldnt allow myself to do so. He stayed close to me as if he was protecting me from harm. But he was the one harming me. I allowed everything to go on for weeks because I was trembling from fear. In the end the stranger I knew was my Uncle. 

One Bad Memory

As you all know from my old blog and from my last post, I wrote about my story. I was a sexually abused when I was younger by an uncle and my stepdad. The abuse with my uncle was bad but what I went through with my stepdad was the worse. I felt paralyzed when everything was happening.........

I am not going to go through the whole thing because I have explained it before in my old blog. Its not that I am not healed or anything. I am still in the healing process. Its just one memory that I cant get out of my head.......

I DO WANT TO SAY THAT I HOPE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY WILL NOT CAUSE ANYONE TO GET ANY TRIGGERS AND PLEASE BE CAREFUL......

The one memory that is hard to get rid of is the one with my stepdad. One day he followed me in to the room. He then pinned me against the wall. He held me and started moving his body back and forth as though we wanted to have sex with me. It felt that way. Til this day I am not sure if that is considered rape. I was molested I know that much. But raped, I dont think so.

This is one memory that I seem I can't get rid of. Everything else I can block it and not think about it but its just this one that seems to keep coming. As much as I try to erase it, it doesn't want to go. That is the only thing that I am still struggling with. I wish I could get rid of that memory. I hope one day I will be able to get rid of it. I know I am healing. I am not ashamed to talk about what I went through. I just have a hard time talking about that certain part of my abuse. I haven't gotten the proper counselor for this. I never went to counseling for this. But I know in time I will be ok.

Here is my story!!!!!!

Well im now 25 years old and in April of 2011 i started a blog in which i chose to speak out about my abuse. I am a survivor of childhood molestation by my stepfather and my uncle. Before i had spoken out i was silent for over ten years. The reason i didn't speak out when it first happened was for two reasons. The first is because when i told my mom that my uncle molested me she didn't want to believe it since it was her brother. It went on for a few weeks. He would touch me in places he should not be touching and then he would kiss my lips. I didn't know what was going on. I was never taught good touch bad touch. I thought it was ok for an uncle to treat you like that. Im not sure when this happened but it was around the age of 9 or 10. I say that was the first person who abused me but it was actually the same time my stepfather started molesting me. It started one day when i was sick in bed and i needed some vick vapor rub to be rubbed on my chest and back. Since my mom trusted him she allowed him to rub it on me. He started to rub it on my chest and when he did that, he began to rub my nipples. I felt really uncomfortable but again i didn't know that it was an inappropriate touch. After that im not sure what else happened. I only remember a few things that happened. The next abuse i remember was again when i was sick. My mom had went to Florida to visit my sister. She left my brother and I home since we were in school. I had gotten sick and stayed home from school. I was in my parents room which was also the living room at the time. I was on the couch resting and trying to watch the television. He began to kiss my on my neck and then made his way up to my lips. Again i didn't know how to react to that but my body deceived me at that moment. My body liked that attention even though i felt disgusted and scared. I didn't know what would happened next. Then he would bribe me with money and sweets since i was still young. Again im not sure when it happened but it was around the age of 10 or so. Maybe younger. Anyway i believe it was that same that this next thing happened. I had gotten up to go to my room and he followed me. The next thing i know is that he pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moving his body back and forth as though having sex with me. I can still see the look on his face every time i talked about this part of my story. Smiling like he was proud of what he was doing. I felt really scared and disgusted at it. I didn't know what to do. Anyway after that moment it was your usual inappropriate touching that lasted until about a year ago or so. Even though he did what he did he would still try to touch me in places he shouldn't and make these strange noises and facial expressions. I had kept silent for so long and i was tired of dealing with so much emotions and hurt. My mom also wouldn't let me tell her. She told me she wouldn't believe me because my sister also was also abused and she didn't believe her because she also waited a while to come up to my mom. So my believes that since we held it in for so long that we must have enjoyed it. Anyway my mother doesn't know and as much as i want to tell her i cant right now because she has a heart condition and i do not want to be the blame if something happens to her. So here i am now sharing my story in the virtual world and hoping to help others speak out. I am a psychology major and will become a counselor for victims. 

I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence. 

What should I do with this new blog?

Hey guys like wrote previously I have this new blog because my old one is no longer active. You can still read post from there but I will be writing on this one. I am not sure what I should do with my new blog. If you have any ideas you can email me at tclara87@gmail.com or just comment on here. You can also find me on twitter. I have two accounts but I am most on one of them which is the one I will be writing here. Thank you and hope to hear some ideas. I also will leave the link to m old blog just so you can still read my story there.......


twitter= @silence_no
old blog= tara-nosilence.blogspot.com.

New Blog

Hey guys. Its Tara from tara-nosilence.blogspot.com, That blog is no longer going to be working. I have this new blog where I will be updating every week or so or when I can. SO please follow me here. Love you all and stay encouraged.