Another bad night!!!!!!!

I had another bad night where I have been crying again. I still haven't fully healed from what happened to me. Its just I haven't fully let everything go. There is a lot of stuff that I haven't really talked about in my blog or with other people. There is a lot of my abuse that I haven't shared. I feel disgusting at times because even though my stepfather was abusing me I would still allow him to touch my back and things like that and I felt horrible. Why would anyone let someone continue to touch after being abused? Well I did and I didn't like it. I was scared to stop it because he would bribe me not to say anything. Even as I got older and was still living at home and with my mother. People would say that I enjoyed the abuse. I didn't enjoy it. People who haven't been through this type of abuse wouldn't understand how I felt or why I couldn't get the justice I needed to. The reason why I can't fully heal is because I can't tell my mother what happened because she has a serious heart problem and she can't take all this stress. Its hard for me. It sucks that I can't tell her anything and I know that if I ever go to counseling they would tell me that I have to tell her in order for me to fully heal. People don't understand why I cant tell her and that's hurtful. Try putting yourself in my shoes and you tell me if its easy. The most sickening thing of all is the fact that my mother would be in the house when my stepfather abused me. Whenever he scratched my back he would do it in front her and he would touch my breasts and then he would rub my thighs. My mother would see this and wouldn't say anything. How could she allow this man to do this. She was so damn blind that she didn't care. Its hurts to know that I wouldn't ever be able to tell her. I hate that.