Crying Out

Hey guys how is everyone doing? I just wanted to say that I am doing better these days. I know recently I have been having some bad nights or days where my memories would effect me and I would just break down and cry. I didn't realize that during your healing process you will be doing a lot of crying. I get tired of crying but I know that I need to let out a big cry and let everything go. Its hard to let this go. Its not an easy task to do. I wish people can understand that what we've been through is not something that you can easily get over. It cant happen over night and if you do try to fix it in one night you in the end will be harming yourself. You're not getting the proper healing and it will effect you in the future. I thought that by denying what happened to me would help me forget about it but it just hurt me in the end. I was always in a depressive state of mind. I wanted to kill myself. I tried cutting myself too but I wouldn't make the cuts deep enough. I hated my life. I have always wondered what it would be like if I didn't exist. My mother didn't want me. She told me she never planned to have me. I was a surprise to her. She was about 3 or 4 months pregnant with me before she knew. I always felt like I wasn't wanted but since I was smaller she always favored me. I was the spoiled one. But now I have a hard time talking to my mother because every time I call her my stepfather picks up the phone and I start to feel all disgusted inside and I panic because it brings back the memory of what he did to me. He did a lot to me but the one thing that he did is that one memory I still suffer with.........

The one memory that I cant get rid of is this................
My stepfather had followed me to my room and then he pinned me against the wall with my back against the wall and moved in body back and forth like he was having sex with me or trying to have sex with me. So in some ways its like I was raped just with clothes on. I hate that I still suffer with that memory. I remember being in church and a friend of mine was praying over me helping me to ask God to help me forgive my stepfather. I had already forgiven my uncle for what he had done to me because it wasn't as bad as the one from my stepfather nor did it last as long as the abuse from my stepfather. Anyway she had my repeat saying I forgive him but I couldn't even say those words. I was crying out so much and I was in pain and I could't bring myself to forgive him. After a while I told God I forgive him. I forgave him but I am still struggling. I know I didn't fully forgive me. I know I need to forgive him in order to get my fully healed but I cant do it. I am trying but it is truly hard. I will eventually get to the point where I can forgive him with the help of my Lord and Savior but until then I will just keep trying to heal and help others in. I believe I can heal by helping others. I get happy when I see others seek help and justice they deserve. I didn't get justice and even though I think I can still receive mine , I don't want to go down that road. I know another part of my healing my have to do with telling my mother about what my stepfather had done, her husband. But again I can't bring myself to tell her because she has a heart condition and I do not want to have the guilt if something happens to her but I pray I get the courage to be able to speak to her or that God opens her eyes to the truth.