Another Flashback

Last night was one of the worse nights I have had in a while. I was hanging outside with my brother in law and my sister on our front porch. I was feeling stressed out so I smoked a cigarette which I haven't smoked in over a year. My brother in law asked me what was wrong and I broke down and told him that one of the memories from my abused is still haunting me. The memory was of when my stepfather pinned me against the wall and rubbed his body on mine like he was trying to have sex with me and he had a smile on his face. That memory still hurts because as much as I try to get rid of it, its still there. So we talked because I blame myself for my abuse. I allowed my stepfather to still touch me for years after. It wasn't until I moved out that I stopped it. I feel like a hypocrite because I let him touch me and I didn't do anything about it. I feel bad because I tell people to get help and seek justice but I couldn't do the same for myself. I feel like he is going to come and hurt me again. I'm afraid that if I ever have to move back home he is going to hurt me again. I was crying and feeling so guilty. I blame myself still. I know its not my fault. The memories are hard to bare. Every time that I decide to dress nice and feel good about myself, I hesitate because I am afraid that I will get hurt again. I know I am safe here with my sister and my brother in law. I feel ashamed at times because of the way my body acted during the abuse. My body enjoyed it while my mind was saying "no" "stop" but the words did not come out. I was just really down last night. The things that I had to go through. He took advantage of me when my sister was living in Florida and my mother went to see her. I was left with my stepfather and caught bronchitis. I was sitting on the couch was tv and he would come and kiss me on the neck and then the lips. I didn't know what to do or how to act. My body betrayed me. Then he would bribe me with money and candy and such just so I wouldn't say anything. I felt so disgusted. I still feel that way. I feel like no one is going to believe me because I let it go on for so long and I still allowed him top touch me. I feel so horrible at times. But I know I will keep healing the more I talk about my abuse. I want to heal because I am studying to be a counselor and if I cant heal how I can help others heal.


I just wanted to share this with you guys because I had a rough night. I wanted to share with you my thoughts and my fears. I hope that this does not give anyone triggers and I apologize if it does. Thank you for allowing me to open up to you all about my story. I hope I can help others heal as well as them help me.