I hope that with this story i give someone the courage to stand up and speak out about their own abuse. We can take a stand together and make a difference. I hope you have courage to stand and speak out. I didn't have it then but i have it now. I have gained my voice again and will use it now to shed light on the issue of silence.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Here is my story!!!!!!
Well im now 25 years old and in April of 2011 i started a blog in which i chose to speak out about my abuse. I am a survivor of childhood molestation by my stepfather and my uncle. Before i had spoken out i was silent for over ten years. The reason i didn't speak out when it first happened was for two reasons. The first is because when i told my mom that my uncle molested me she didn't want to believe it since it was her brother. It went on for a few weeks. He would touch me in places he should not be touching and then he would kiss my lips. I didn't know what was going on. I was never taught good touch bad touch. I thought it was ok for an uncle to treat you like that. Im not sure when this happened but it was around the age of 9 or 10. I say that was the first person who abused me but it was actually the same time my stepfather started molesting me. It started one day when i was sick in bed and i needed some vick vapor rub to be rubbed on my chest and back. Since my mom trusted him she allowed him to rub it on me. He started to rub it on my chest and when he did that, he began to rub my nipples. I felt really uncomfortable but again i didn't know that it was an inappropriate touch. After that im not sure what else happened. I only remember a few things that happened. The next abuse i remember was again when i was sick. My mom had went to Florida to visit my sister. She left my brother and I home since we were in school. I had gotten sick and stayed home from school. I was in my parents room which was also the living room at the time. I was on the couch resting and trying to watch the television. He began to kiss my on my neck and then made his way up to my lips. Again i didn't know how to react to that but my body deceived me at that moment. My body liked that attention even though i felt disgusted and scared. I didn't know what would happened next. Then he would bribe me with money and sweets since i was still young. Again im not sure when it happened but it was around the age of 10 or so. Maybe younger. Anyway i believe it was that same that this next thing happened. I had gotten up to go to my room and he followed me. The next thing i know is that he pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moving his body back and forth as though having sex with me. I can still see the look on his face every time i talked about this part of my story. Smiling like he was proud of what he was doing. I felt really scared and disgusted at it. I didn't know what to do. Anyway after that moment it was your usual inappropriate touching that lasted until about a year ago or so. Even though he did what he did he would still try to touch me in places he shouldn't and make these strange noises and facial expressions. I had kept silent for so long and i was tired of dealing with so much emotions and hurt. My mom also wouldn't let me tell her. She told me she wouldn't believe me because my sister also was also abused and she didn't believe her because she also waited a while to come up to my mom. So my believes that since we held it in for so long that we must have enjoyed it. Anyway my mother doesn't know and as much as i want to tell her i cant right now because she has a heart condition and i do not want to be the blame if something happens to her. So here i am now sharing my story in the virtual world and hoping to help others speak out. I am a psychology major and will become a counselor for victims.
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Wow Tara, your story touches my heart. I am so sorry that you had to deal with this situation for so many years. There are so many others out there like you, suppressing these silent situations and either not confronting them or confronting them years later. I am so happy that you have finally been able to come out with your story and move on from it. I hope that as a counselor you will be able to help many in your area and nationally. Don't ever be afraid to continue to tell your story. Forgive your mom and predators - it doesn't meant you have to have a close relationship with them but you can forgive and find peace in it. My heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you during your journey. You will come across many diverse people in your life that will be there for you to share you story and share your strength, grace and love. Your words, your actions say alot and those people will see that in you. Much love, Tayrin - Founder of DearTayrin
ReplyDeleteThank you Tayrin. I know I have to forgive them. I have tried so many times. Its really hard to do. I am trying to move forward as well. I still struggling with flashbacks and triggers. Its a long journey and I know I will go through it not alone. Going back to the counseling thing, I actually changed my major to social and criminal justice. I actually have always been more passionate about that than counseling. The reason I wanted to be a counselor was because people told me I would be good at talking to people. I actually going into forensics. I have always been drawn to that since I was younger. I love all the criminal shows like Law and Order Svu and Criminal Minds and others. I will still be helping people just in a different way :)
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