Another Trigger.

 I was going through my old blog to try and copy some of the post from there to paste over to this blog. I went through all the months of my old blog and found post that said "this is me" which had to do with my life. So I went to my new blog to see if I hadn't already post it on that blog. I didn't post that exact post but I wrote about my life story. But when I went to read it, I couldn't even get through the first line or so. I instantly got a trigger and I had to close the page down for a moment. Its been a while since I last had a trigger especially the way I got it now. I never got a trigger by reading my story. The only times I have gotten triggers and flashbacks is when I start thinking about what happened to me. This time, it was reading my story that caused me to get a trigger. I thought I was doing ok. Its been about a month since I last had a trigger. When I first started talking about or should I say writing about what happened to me, I would get triggers of course because I was first starting to talk about. I denied it ever happened to me. I didn't want to admit I was abused. Anyway after a while I was ok with writing it and talking about. I still get teary eyed when I talk about it but not as bad as before. But again I never had a trigger by READING what happened to me..........

See now this makes me think. Could I be getting worse instead of better? Am I not healing at all. I find this strange because like I said it never happened this way before. I couldn't even look at the entire writing. The first thing my eyes went to was what my stepfather did to me. When I saw that, I quickly closed the page down. My mind brought me back to where I was when that happened to me. Some people say its normal but I just think its strange because it never happened that way before. I dont know what to think any more.

Why Couldn't I Get Help?

WHY COULDN'T I GET HELP? WHY COULDN'T I SPEAK OUT BEFORE? WHY DID I STILL LET THE MAN THAT ABUSE ME STILL TOUCH ME? WHY DID MY BODY DECEIVE ME AND LIKED THE TOUCH? WHY? WHY? WHY?.......................................................

These are questions that I constantly ask myself. I still can't find all the answers I need. I never went to therapy which probably could have helped. It took me over 10 years to finally speak out. I spent those years denying what I went through. Why couldn't I tell my mother every time she confronted me? I didn't have the courage to stand up to her and tell her. Now its too late. She has a heart problem and if I put her through that stress something could happen to her and I don't want to have that blame or guilt on me. This is hard at times. I feel like a child trapped in an adult body sometimes...................

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?.................. IS ALL I KEEP ASKING MYSELF!!!!!

DO I have the right to complain??

Lately some things on twitter had me thinking about my life and the abuse I went through. I know most of you know about what I went through because of my other blog. For those who do not know I was molested by an uncle and stepfather. My stepfather was the worse abuse. The one thing I can't get over is what he did when he followed me into my room. He held me against the wall and moved his body back and forth like he was having sex with me. So in ways it feels like I was raped.........

The thing is that I was just molested and violated. My body deceived me because it enjoyed what was being done to it. I still feel disgusted with myself. I know it wasn't my fault but in ways I feel like it is. As an adult when I was still living at home I let him touch me still. I tried to hide what he had done to me. I let him rub my feet and my back when I got home from work. What was wrong with me? That's not right. I didn't want to accept the fact that I was abused by him. I hide the memories. I pretended that it didn't happen.......

So my question is Do I have the right to complain and share my story? Can I help someone with what I been through...........

Sometimes I feel like what I went through isn't bad as what others went through. Others have been through worse but I know trauma is trauma. But its a struggle I deal with every now and then.

Suicidal!!!!!

Hey everyone, like I wrote when I started this blog, I am the one who had the blog tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. That blog is no longer active. You can still read my post but I am not writing on that one. I started this new one because I wanted to do things differently.............

Anyway as you read the title you must be thinking what this post is going to talk about. Well I think I might have mentioned it in my other blog but I will talk about it again. When I was in middle school, I was a little depressed. My sister had moved to Florida and she was the only person who I had that I can talk to about anything that was bothering me. Every time I had a bad day at school I tried telling my mother but all she would say is "stop being stupid, "Get over it" "its not that serious". So I would go to my room and cry because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions in front of my mother. That is why now at times it is hard to  show my emotions. I tend the bottle them up. So my sister would always give me advice. So I got a little depressed when she left plus the fact that I was being abused I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to my mother because my sister was also molested by our stepfather and our mother didn't believe her so I figured she wouldn't believe me. Which I was right because not only was I abused by my stepfather I was also molested by an uncle and when I told my mother, at first she kicked my uncle out since he was living with us, then after a while she didn't believe me and said it was nothing. So one day at school I was feeling really low. Another thing was that I was constantly being teased and made fun of in school. Again my mother didn't care. So a friend of mine was talking to me and I had it with the person that was teasing me and everyone else and I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself out the window. She tells one of our teachers and they call the show psychologist. She sat down with me and asked my why I was feeling that way. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. She then called my mother and her and my stepfather came to the school to come and get me. She was pissed. She hated me for it. She got so made that she said she was going to throw me out the window and said since I wanted to kill myself it would look like a suicide. That was the worst thing I have ever heard. I then had to go see a therapist every two weeks for two months. It wasn't a fun place to go. My mother was still upset about that. After all was over I was okay. Then when I got older and the fact that when I was being abused I tried to deny it by hiding it and not letting anyone know I started to get depressed again. The thoughts of suicide came back but instead of wanting to throw myself out the window I started to cut myself. I know people are going to criticize me for what I am going to say but when I cut myself I would never cut deep. I did it enough where I felt some pain but not enough to leave scars. I know people won't believe me but I don't care. I did it. Anyway I did it for a while and it helped. To be honest with you I stopped cutting just last year in 2011 when I finally moved to New Jersey. I knew I was safe and I wouldn't be hurt again. For those who didn't know I was still living at home with my mother who is still living with my stepfather. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was still depressed. One day I was taking a shower and this was the year I moved. I got so depressed again that I wanted to shallow pills. My mother has a heart problem and her medicines were in the bathroom. I was tempted to take her pills but something stopped me. I know it was God. He has bigger plans for me. But I overcame that urge and just cried myself to sleep. It was when my sister came to visit us in Ct that I decided I wanted to go with her. So now I am happy and doing better. I haven't had the urges of wanting to kill myself. I haven't had much triggers lately. I still struggle with some things but not as much as I was when I was back home..................

Thank You..

I would just like to start out by saying thank you to all my supporters and fellow survivor sisters for helping me through my own healing process as I help you through your own. I am always here to help encourage you to seek help and justice even though I couldn't receive my own. I didn't have a support system like I have now. If I had someone when I was going through the abuse, I would have spoken out and seek justice. But I didn't. Not even my own mother. She is still with the man who molested me and almost raped me. I say its rape because he pinned me against the wall and moved his body back and forth as though he was having sex with me but with clothes on. You know that is the only memory that I struggle with til this day. That happened over ten years ago. How can someone do that to a child? Why? What is the desire to make them hurt a child or woman? How can people be so sick? Can anyone answer these questions for me? I haven't had a trigger in a couple of days. I am still healing. Its hard to heal from something so awful especially since I locked it away for many years. It wasn't until last year in April 2011 that I began sharing my story. I found survivor through the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page by Mariska Hargitay. Through those survivors I found friends who believed my story and helped me through my healing. Through them I also found RAINN which is another organization that helps survivors and victims of sexual violence. They have an online hotline and a number you can call. They also helped me through my healing. I am grateful that I found people who are very supportive. Without them I wouldn't have been able to share my story or my voice.....


So I encourage other women to speak out. I encourage others that if you see a child being harmed, speak out and get help. Don't hold it in. Fight for the children. I made a choice a year ago when I started speaking out. It is hard for me to do at times but I need to speak out about it in order to heal. If I can help other I will keep sharing my voice. I am no longer ashamed of my abuse. Even though my body betrayed me I did not enjoy it. I hated it. I wished it did not happen. I hate that I struggle with my appearance at times. I hate that im afraid to be in a relationship all because of what happened to me. But I know through my healing I will be ok. It takes time but I will be ok. SO CAN YOU. YOU WILL BE OK. I PROMISE. SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. OUR ABUSERS WILL NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL OVER US. I CHOSE TO BE A VOICE FOR SURVIVORS. I WILL NOT STOP. I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here are the twitter names of the organizations I mentioned
Joyful Heart Foundation @TheJHF
RAINN @RAINN01
Mariska Hargitay @Mariska

Unintentional Overdose.

Have you ever overdose on medicine while sick and not mean too? I DID!!!!!!!

Well one day I was extremely sick and I was staying with my sister and father at the time. My dad was drunk in one room and my sister was watching TV. I was fighting a horrible cold or flu. Wasn't sure what it was so my dad had some Robitussin with codon in it. So I didn't to take some to help me feel better. You know how it says to take 2 teaspoons, well I took 2 cups of it. Yeah it wasn't fun. A couple hours later I was still feeling sick and my sister decides to give me some NyQuil  Luckily she only gave me half of the dose of NyQuil just to make sure. She didn't know that I took the 2 cups full of the other medicine. So I take the NyQuil  Shortly after I get extremely exhausted. I didn't know that was possibly. Next thing I knew I was knocked out on the bed. I sleep the whole. I woke up in the morning and feeling completely better. My sister was worried I wasn't going to wake up because I slept so long. Then I told her what I did and she yelled at me and said she could have killed me.............

So yeah I gave myself an overdose without meaning too. So moral of the story is.....You know how they say " Do not operate a machine when tire, well do not serve yourself medication when extremely sick, You can overdose unintentionally"................

I thought this would be a change than writing about my abuse. I want this blog to be different. I can write about my abuse but I also want to write about other things too. If you want to share something on my blog tweet me or email me at tclara87@gmail.com.

Crying Out

Hey guys how is everyone doing? I just wanted to say that I am doing better these days. I know recently I have been having some bad nights or days where my memories would effect me and I would just break down and cry. I didn't realize that during your healing process you will be doing a lot of crying. I get tired of crying but I know that I need to let out a big cry and let everything go. Its hard to let this go. Its not an easy task to do. I wish people can understand that what we've been through is not something that you can easily get over. It cant happen over night and if you do try to fix it in one night you in the end will be harming yourself. You're not getting the proper healing and it will effect you in the future. I thought that by denying what happened to me would help me forget about it but it just hurt me in the end. I was always in a depressive state of mind. I wanted to kill myself. I tried cutting myself too but I wouldn't make the cuts deep enough. I hated my life. I have always wondered what it would be like if I didn't exist. My mother didn't want me. She told me she never planned to have me. I was a surprise to her. She was about 3 or 4 months pregnant with me before she knew. I always felt like I wasn't wanted but since I was smaller she always favored me. I was the spoiled one. But now I have a hard time talking to my mother because every time I call her my stepfather picks up the phone and I start to feel all disgusted inside and I panic because it brings back the memory of what he did to me. He did a lot to me but the one thing that he did is that one memory I still suffer with.........

The one memory that I cant get rid of is this................
My stepfather had followed me to my room and then he pinned me against the wall with my back against the wall and moved in body back and forth like he was having sex with me or trying to have sex with me. So in some ways its like I was raped just with clothes on. I hate that I still suffer with that memory. I remember being in church and a friend of mine was praying over me helping me to ask God to help me forgive my stepfather. I had already forgiven my uncle for what he had done to me because it wasn't as bad as the one from my stepfather nor did it last as long as the abuse from my stepfather. Anyway she had my repeat saying I forgive him but I couldn't even say those words. I was crying out so much and I was in pain and I could't bring myself to forgive him. After a while I told God I forgive him. I forgave him but I am still struggling. I know I didn't fully forgive me. I know I need to forgive him in order to get my fully healed but I cant do it. I am trying but it is truly hard. I will eventually get to the point where I can forgive him with the help of my Lord and Savior but until then I will just keep trying to heal and help others in. I believe I can heal by helping others. I get happy when I see others seek help and justice they deserve. I didn't get justice and even though I think I can still receive mine , I don't want to go down that road. I know another part of my healing my have to do with telling my mother about what my stepfather had done, her husband. But again I can't bring myself to tell her because she has a heart condition and I do not want to have the guilt if something happens to her but I pray I get the courage to be able to speak to her or that God opens her eyes to the truth.