Micarriage

Hey guys. Its been a while since I have updated my blog and written anything. I hope everyone is doing well. Well you guys are probably wondering why the title of this post is called miscarriage. Well this past week my husband and I have learned that we were expecting and I learned that I was about 4 week along. But things took a wrong turn. I started to bleed a lot and went to the hospital and it turned out that I had miscarried our baby. It is not an easy thing to hear. I was and am still devastated. We just learned this two days ago so it is very fresh in our heads. My husband seems to be doing better than I am. I mean he gets sad just as I do but I cry more than he does. We are not totally sure what caused it but one of the reasons was that we are two different blood types and the baby possibly had my husband's blood type and my body was trying to fight it off. I am sad but I am doing a bit better today. I was so excited because we have been trying for a year to get pregnant and it had finally happened. But we know that God will bless us again and He is in control of everything He does in our lives. We have nothing to worry about as long as He is in control. Even though we have miscarried, that doesn't mean that we aren't parents. WE are still considered parents because we were pregnant and lost the baby. I can now understand what its like to lose a baby. It may not have head arms, legs, or any of that stuff but it was still a baby that was growing inside me. I know we will be ok and things will get better but for now we are taking things one day at a time. So this is all I have to say for now. Thank you for following my posts and my blog and thank you for all your support. I will give another update after a couple of days. Take care everyone.

Sorry for the Delay in Posts.

Hey my twitter friends and blog readers. Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I used too. I have been busy with school and planning things out for my wedding. I have been blessed with an amazing man and I thank God for him. I love that he is so supportive and wants to protect me from harm. He wants to hurt my stepfather for what he has done to me. He wants to beat him with a bat. I don't want my stepfather to die, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I do want him to suffer. I want him to suffer how he made me suffer for years.

To those who are new to my blog and do not know my story I will talk briefly about it...
Well when I was younger, I don't remember the exact age, but it was around 9 or so, I was being molested by my stepfather while my mother was home. She didn't know anything. One of the first encounters was when I was sick, while my mother was cooking, he decided to rub vapor rub Vic on my back and chest. He then started rubbing my nipples with his hands. Since I was sick and young, I didn't think anything of it. Its not until I got older that I realized what was going on. Another incident again had to do when I was sick. My mother and one of my aunts went to Florida to visit my older sister. I was left with my older brother and my stepfather. I was sick with bronchitis. My stepfather again was taking care of me. I was sitting on the couch under my blanket and my stepfather came in and gave me my medicine. He then started kissing my lips. I was scared and my body seemed to enjoy it but I didn't like that. I wanted to scream but I was scared and frozen in fear. I feel disgusted on how my body reacted. He tried to bribe me with snack and junk food and since I was young and sick I let it happen. I then went to the bathroom and he followed me to the room. He pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moved his body back and forth in a sexual motion against my body. Its like he was having sex with me with clothes on. That was one of the worse things ever and one of the memories that I still struggle with. I remained silent for over ten years. I am 26 now. I began to open up April of 2011 through my original blog. If you want to see the post from there, here is the link tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. At that blog you can see more of my story. I also grew up around domestic violence. So I had a rough childhood. If you want to know more. Check out the originally blog.

I also have been doing very well in my healing process. I think I can say that I am completely healed because I don't cry anymore when I talk about my story. I still deal with flashbacks and triggers but it is not as bad as when I first started speaking out. There is hope for healing so don't give up and keep sharing your story and using your voice. If you have any questions or want to know more you can check out my blog, leave a comment, or email me at tclara87@gmail.com. I will be more than happy to answer any questions.

Once again I have returned.

Hello my fellow survivors and twitter friends who read my blog. I realized the last post was in November and its been about 4 months since I last posted anything. Like I wrote in my last blog I have been dating this great Christian man who loves me and wants to help me get through my triggers and flashbacks. I am not sure if I mentioned this on my last post but I am getting married this year as well. My fiance is from Michigan and I will be moving there for the wedding. I live in NJ at the moment. He came to see me for the week of Valentine day and he proposed to me a few days before Valentines day. It was great and I am so happy.......

I know as a survivor it is hard to trust a man with your heart because you have that fear of being hurt or abused again. You carry along all the emotions and memories of what happened to you during your abuse. I have that problem sometimes while with my fiance. But I thank God that he hasnt left me and wants to be there for me when I am going through my triggers and flashbacks. The reason why I am sharing this again is because we as survivors can regain our lives back. I used to be this quiet little girl/teen/young adult because I was carrying such a huge, deep, dark, secret that was eating me up from the inside and I had no one or anything to help me get it out and get through it. My abuse started when I was younger. I cant remember the exact age that I was but I know it was less then maybe 10 years old. I am 26 now. So for over ten years I had carried that huge secret, which was me being sexually molested by two family member and almost raped by one of them which was my stepfather. When I first started sharing my story to anyone, it was around April 2011, and It was on Facebook. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page and started to interact with some of the other survivors. I didnt know about the Joyful Heart Foundation until I saw that Mariska Hargitay was on twitter and it said she was the found of the JHF. So I did research and saw that she is so involved with survivors. I thought it was great since I am a huge fan of hers. Any way I started to interact with a survivor on the JHF Facebook page and I shared my story with her and she showed me alot of compassion and love and told me that I am not alone and that there are many others out there who have been through the same things. So from that moment on I create a blog to help me share my story to others That blog is still open but I havent posted anything in there for a long time so I created a new one which is this one right now. But you can still visit the old blog which is tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. You can check that one out to see how far I have come in my journey. The point is that its a process, you see I started the journey once I began sharing my story which was in 2011, its been three years since I started that journey and it was recently that I can actually share my story without crying so much about the pain I was put through. It still hurts and I do get emotional still but unlike before that I couldnt handle it, I can handle it better now. The thing is that we can all get through it with the help of fellow survivors and with organizations that specify in this area. There are many foundations out there and some of them are Joyful Heart Foundation, nomore.org, RAINN, and several others. But those are the ones that I help and are involved in. Get the help that you need. Talk to RAINN, they have online chat rooms that can help you through everything and anything, find friends that you trust and talk to them. I never sought out therapy and in some ways I wish I could have but I am a Christian and my God is my healer and my therapist and everything above. He has given me freedom and peace from everything I been through. I know not all of you believe in God so I cant force that on you. But to me He has helped me by bringing great friends into my life to help me through my journey and by bringing me a man who accepts that part of me and is willing and wanting to help me get through it even more. You can too have that same peace if you find someone or an organization to help you through your journey as well. My point to all of this is that if I can make it through even though I doubted sometimes, you can make it through too. We are strong together. We can continue to make a difference by sharing our voices and spreading awareness to others about abuse and about getting help. Lets continue to help these organization by saying #NoMore to abuse, #NoMore Victims, #NoMore!!!!!!! We are the voices, we know how it is to go through something horrible. We can be the light on these issues. All we have to do is have courage to share our voices and our stories and everything will be ok. You can do it. Have faith. You can make it through.

The organizations I mentioned can be found on twitter and here are their twitter names...

Mariska Hargitay who is the president and found of the Joyful Heart foundation @Mariska
The Joyful Heart foundation @TheJHF
nomore.org @NOMOREorg
RAINN @RAINN01

Follow these organizations and many more.

Im back!!!!!!

Hey guys. I know its been months since I have not posted anything new on my blog. I just been busy with  my school and other things. Well to start off I am doing very very well. My healing process is going great too. I have not had many triggers lately. It has been good. Well lets see, new things about me is that I recently started dating someone. He is an incredible man and he knows everything that I have been through and he supports me through my process. He is also a good Christian man and I love that about him since I am also a Christian. He wants to help me through my process. He wants to be there for me when I go through my moments of having flashbacks and triggers. Like most people he wants to hurt the person(s) that did those things to me. He is incredible and he is the love of my life.

The reason why I share this is because as a survivor, sometimes we feel like we will never be able to regain our lives back. But we can. Yes we go through that moment where we don't want to trust anyone with our lives or even get close to men because we don't want to get hurt or anything again so we put up a wall and not let anyone in. But once you go through the process you CAN REGAIN YOUR LIFE BACK!!!! I did. Everyone has gone through their own abuse and its different with everyone. But you can and will get through it. Trust me. If I can do it so can you. SO I leave this as a little encouragement to those who feel like they can never be happy again. YES YOU CAN!!!! Don't let those who hurt you keep control. You are stronger than you realize. Keep pushing forward. You can get through this. Use your voice. Spread awareness. Be strong. Don't give up. I am here for you all. You can and will get through this journey. You are not alone. I am here. We are here for each other.

Thank you to my followers from Twitter.

First of all I would like to thank all of my twitter friends for your unconditional love and support. I truly appreciate what you guys have been doing for me and how you guys have been helping me through my healing journey. I think I can finally say that I am healed. You guys have been so supportive and I truly respect each and everyone one of you. You all mean the world to me whether you tweet me or not. I truly love all of you. You are not only my friends but but my twitter family.

So with that said if you don't know why I am saying this then here goes.... You all give me so much support and I appreciate it. My family hasn't been there only my sister and brother in law. My family doesn't want to believe me and nor does my family. Its hard trying to talk to them. I wish I could tell my family but they don't want to believe me. Its really hard to be in front of my stepfather and put on a fake smile knowing that he abused me. I have to put on an act and its hard. Its not easy talking about this or even trying to seek justice. I never got justice because of fear. So now I am not afraid anymore to talk about my story but it is late for me to seek justice. My justice now is sharing my story and helping others come forward.......

NO LONGER SILENT!!!NO MORE VICTIMS!!!!!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!! LETS END THE VIOLENCE!!!!! LETS END THE SILENT.!!!!!

Once again thank you guys. I love you and I am also here for you all if you need a friend. YOU ALL ARE MY FRIENDS/FAMILY.........

I wish I could tell my mother.

"I wish I could tell my mother" is a thought that runs through my mind constantly. Most of you know why I cant tell my mother about my abuse. I wish I would have had the courage when I was younger to tell her and now it's too late. The reason why its too late is because she suffers from heart problems now and she cant be put through a lot of stress. She only knows about the my uncle molesting me but not about her husband molesting me. Its hard when I am talking to her. I wish I could tell her but I know it will hurt her because she loves this man like crazy. I know its crazy to hear this but if I were to tell her I know it would be my fault if something ends up happening to her. I don't want the blame on me. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would kill myself if something happens to her if I did tell her. I wouldn't be able to handle that at all. I guess this is something that I am going to have to deal with on my own. It sucks not being able to have your mother to talk to. A mother is suppose to be there no matter what. A mother is suppose to help you and protect you from harm. But instead my mother doesn't. She says with a man who is a child molester. She is just as guilty as he is. Some times I wish I was adopted and raised in another family. Maybe things could have been better. Don't get me wrong. I do have a good relationship with my mother but I wish I could just tell her and let it out. That is my biggest burden that I have on my shoulders now. I have all that weight on me and I wish I could just release it. But even though I cant I know I will still heal. I know I am getting closer to it so I will be ok.

Response to previous post!!!!

I know with my last post I had a lot of you worried about me because of how I was feeling about my abuse and everything else. I know I said I felt like my abuse didn't matter. Even though I still feel that way at times I know that my abuse matters. I had the opportunity to talk to RAINN online hotline and they were able to help me realize that my abuse does matter and that what I went through was never my fault. I guess the reason why I feel this way is because I was never able to talk about it til now. Most of you know why I couldn't talk about it before. For those who do not know, my mother doesn't know about my abuse from my stepfather who she is still married too. He also molested my older sister but when my sister told her about it, she didn't believe her so that was one of the reasons why I didn't tell my mother. My mother is in denial about it and til this day she still doesn't want to believe my sister. I was also molested by an uncle. I told my mother about him. At the time he was living with us and after I told her she kicked him out. I took it as she believed me. But after she told the family about it, somehow either they changed her mind or something, she didn't believe me about my uncle which made another reason why I didn't tell my mother about my stepfather molesting me and almost raping me. I say its almost rape because of what he did to me. I am not going to repeat what he did to me because I already wrote it several times so if you want to know just read through the rest of my blog. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Its just talking about the details is still hard for me. I am doing ok with it. I can talk about it but it still hurts and affects me a bit. I am praying and hoping I can finally heal from what I went through. I am doing alot better than how I was doing a year ago. I have been healing but not fully there. I say half way there........

The point that I am trying to get to is that I have come to realize that MY ABUSE does matter. I know what I went through is something hard and is still trauma. No one should have to go through what I went through or what others go through as well. We suffered in different ways and I cant keep comparing what I went through with what others have gone through. Yes some people have gone through worse than me but I still suffered some trauma.