I wish I could tell my mother.

"I wish I could tell my mother" is a thought that runs through my mind constantly. Most of you know why I cant tell my mother about my abuse. I wish I would have had the courage when I was younger to tell her and now it's too late. The reason why its too late is because she suffers from heart problems now and she cant be put through a lot of stress. She only knows about the my uncle molesting me but not about her husband molesting me. Its hard when I am talking to her. I wish I could tell her but I know it will hurt her because she loves this man like crazy. I know its crazy to hear this but if I were to tell her I know it would be my fault if something ends up happening to her. I don't want the blame on me. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I would kill myself if something happens to her if I did tell her. I wouldn't be able to handle that at all. I guess this is something that I am going to have to deal with on my own. It sucks not being able to have your mother to talk to. A mother is suppose to be there no matter what. A mother is suppose to help you and protect you from harm. But instead my mother doesn't. She says with a man who is a child molester. She is just as guilty as he is. Some times I wish I was adopted and raised in another family. Maybe things could have been better. Don't get me wrong. I do have a good relationship with my mother but I wish I could just tell her and let it out. That is my biggest burden that I have on my shoulders now. I have all that weight on me and I wish I could just release it. But even though I cant I know I will still heal. I know I am getting closer to it so I will be ok.

Response to previous post!!!!

I know with my last post I had a lot of you worried about me because of how I was feeling about my abuse and everything else. I know I said I felt like my abuse didn't matter. Even though I still feel that way at times I know that my abuse matters. I had the opportunity to talk to RAINN online hotline and they were able to help me realize that my abuse does matter and that what I went through was never my fault. I guess the reason why I feel this way is because I was never able to talk about it til now. Most of you know why I couldn't talk about it before. For those who do not know, my mother doesn't know about my abuse from my stepfather who she is still married too. He also molested my older sister but when my sister told her about it, she didn't believe her so that was one of the reasons why I didn't tell my mother. My mother is in denial about it and til this day she still doesn't want to believe my sister. I was also molested by an uncle. I told my mother about him. At the time he was living with us and after I told her she kicked him out. I took it as she believed me. But after she told the family about it, somehow either they changed her mind or something, she didn't believe me about my uncle which made another reason why I didn't tell my mother about my stepfather molesting me and almost raping me. I say its almost rape because of what he did to me. I am not going to repeat what he did to me because I already wrote it several times so if you want to know just read through the rest of my blog. (Sorry if that sounds harsh) Its just talking about the details is still hard for me. I am doing ok with it. I can talk about it but it still hurts and affects me a bit. I am praying and hoping I can finally heal from what I went through. I am doing alot better than how I was doing a year ago. I have been healing but not fully there. I say half way there........

The point that I am trying to get to is that I have come to realize that MY ABUSE does matter. I know what I went through is something hard and is still trauma. No one should have to go through what I went through or what others go through as well. We suffered in different ways and I cant keep comparing what I went through with what others have gone through. Yes some people have gone through worse than me but I still suffered some trauma.

My abuse; does it matter?

TO those who are familiar to my other blog I had, I had posted about this topic on there. If you dont know about it, its ok.

I know those who are reading this are probably thinking why the title says that. I know if I was someone else, I would be scratching my head too. What does she mean does her abuse matter? Doesnt all abuse matter and are traumatic?

Well the reason why I say that is because at times I feel like my abuse doesn't matter. I was molested which felt like I was almost raped. To those who do not know what happened, I was molested by my uncle and also my stepfather. The worse part of it that I am still struggling with is this: My stepfather pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and me moved his body on me and starting rubbing his body on mine in a sexual way. That's why I say I felt like I was raped because of the way he was moving his bottom half. Anyway, I know trauma is trauma no matter if one had it worse than the other. I still suffered. my innocence was still taken from me. Even when I got older it was still happening. It wasn't as bad but I let my stepfather scratch my bad and rub my feet. How can I allow him to touch me after what he did to me when I was a little younger.
Is there something wrong with me? Did I enjoy it? Did I like the attention? Did I enjoy the way it made my body felt?
These are questions that I still have on my mind constantly. How can I do that? How can I let him still touch me that way? What is wrong with me? This is a struggle that I have. Its hard. I never seen a therapist or anything for this. To be honest, my body was enjoying the attention but I didnt want it. How could my body deceive me that way. I hate myself for that. I feel disgusting. I have dealt with so much growing up. My mother used to tell me she never wanted me. Me mother never cared how I felt. When I had a bad day all she would say is "get over it" "its not a big deal". So what I would do is just go to my room and just stuck it up. I bottle my emotions even til this day. I dont like showing my emotions. I keep them in until I cant take it anymore. Its hard. I was also around domestic violence. I posted about this is my previous post.

My point that I am trying to make is that I feel like my abuse does't matter because there are people who have had worse than me. I feel like I dont have the right to complain or to even share my story. Is my story actually making a difference in someone's life. I know someone who was inspired by my story so maybe I am making a difference. I do not know. All I know is that this is how I feel and I cant help it.

Domestic Violence!!!!!

I dont think I ever talk about how I grew up. I know I've spoken about how I was abused and neglected by my mother. But I never really talked about the things I heard growing up. So here goes...........

Growing up with crazy for me. My parents always argued. Before I was born my mother and real father used to fight always according to what my mother told me and what my sister and brother witnessed. But after I was born my father stuck around until I was like 2 or 3. That's when my stepfather began raising me. After that my mother and him would always argue. They got physical with each other. They got to the point where my mother would gave a knife and try to hurt my stepfather. I remember one time she chased him down the stair and in order to escape from her, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. This happened when I was younger. She has had so much anger in her we didnt know where it came from. There were other times where she got angry at me and threw figurines at me. One thanksgiving day I wanted to spend it at my sister house, this was when I was in middle school, and my mother woke up angry. She had given me permission to stay with my sister for the four day vacation we had from school but that morning she woke up in a bad mood. I blame myself because I knew she was in a bad mood but I kept asking her if I could stay with my sister but she changed her mind and said no. She had gotten angry and grabbed me by my hair and threw me against the floor that I hit my face on the arm of the rocking chair and I had a bruise on my face. After that incident, my mother allowed me to go to my sisters house where my real dad saw the bruise.When I went to school the following week, DCF ( Department of Children and Family) came to the school to talk to me. I am not sure if it was my father who told or an aunt who was at the house that day. DCF talked to me and told me they had spoken with my mother. When I got home that day my mother had packed up my things and kicked me out.


The point that I am trying to make is that I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence involved. But yet I turned out ok. Instead of letting this affect me which in some ways it does, but I am ok. Some times I suffer from panic attacks. I can deal with people yelling at me. I cant hear people yelling period but I manage to get through it. I thank God I made a promise that I wouldnt go down that road myself. Below are some statistics on Domestic Violence....

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten.

• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. Most often, the abuser is a member of her own family.

• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

• Studies suggest that up to 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.

• Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup.

• Everyday in the US, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.

• Ninety-two percent of women surveyed listed reducing domestic violence and sexual assault as their top concern.

• Domestic violence victims lose nearly 8 million days of paid work per year in the US alone—the equivalent of 32,000 full-time jobs.

• Based on reports from 10 countries, between 55 percent and 95 percent of women who had been physically abused by their partners had never contacted non-governmental organizations, shelters, or the police for help.

• The costs of intimate partner violence in the US alone exceed $5.8 billion per year: $4.1 billion are for direct medical and health care services, while productivity losses account for nearly $1.8 billion.

• Men who as children witnessed their parents’ domestic violence were twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of nonviolent parents. 

Older Men!

Hey guys how is everyone doing? The reason for this post is that I remember in the beginning of Law and Order SVU, the first season, Mariska Hargitay's character Det. Olivia Benson said something that stood out to me for a long time. Some victims of sexual abuse caused by a father or uncle may cause the victim to seek love in older guys because they long for that fatherly figure that they lost because of the abuse. Well the reason why I write this is because for some reason I like older guys. There are two guys that I was attracted too and they are almost twice my age. I am 25 years old and they are 40 years old. Do you see my point?

SO my thing is this; does my abuse has to do with the fact that I am attracted to older men? My stepfather was my abuser and he also raised me since I was 3 years old. My real father was hardly around even though he came every week. So my father was around much and I got molested by my stepfather. Maybe that does have to do with the reason why I can not like guys my own age. I mean now I am starting to like guys my own age but at times I find it hard. Maybe I am seeking that fatherly love that was taken from me.


Please comment if you want to answer this. I would greatly appreciate your advice and wisdom.