Another Childhood Memory

Here is another childhood memory that I havent really shared with anyone..........

Growing up was a bit difficult. I know I cant compare to most people who live on the streets or countries that they dont have anything. But I remember this one memory. We grew up in the poor class. At this time my parents had already been divorced and my mom was married to my stepfather. We lived off of social security and on welfare. I dont remember the reason whether it was because there was a black out or we didnt pay the light bill. But for a couple days or so every morning before school around 6am we would get up and our mother would boil hot water to take a bath because there was no heat or gas in the house. So we had to boil alot of water to fill up the tub at least half way so me, my older sister and older brother could take a bath. We had to use the same bath water to bathe in. How horrible and disgusting that is to have to use the same dirty water. I know its nothing compared to those who live in countries that have dirty water and they also bathe in it. But i hated having to do this. I felt gross.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. Its one memory I have of my childhood.

Two Poems I wrote.

Here are two poems that I wrote about my abuse. Hope this doesn't give anyone triggers. Sometimes when I read them I still get flashbacks but I try to calm myself down.

OUR LITTLE SECRET....

We both walk around as if nothing happened as if you didnt do anything to me. As I look in the eyes of my abuser who I call my stepfather and as he looks at me, his eyes seem to tell me a story. It's our little secret. No one will ever know. No one will believe you. And he smiles. Fear grows inside me and disgust just runs through my veins. I cringe at the sight of him. Why does he have to be like that? Why can't I do anything else to stop him? Those were the questions that ran through my mind after the abuse had occurred. But he doesnt know that I have broken the silence and the vow of that secret. He will no longer have control of me. He can look me in the eye and think that no one knows but hes wrong. Thats my secret. No more silence. 

THE STRANGER  I KNEW.......

The stranger I knew was a family member. Always treated me kind and showed alot of love towards me. But I didnt know that the love he showed would deceive me. He made me feel like a prisoner. He brought me to a dark and dreary place. A place only seen in a nightmare. The way that he touched me paralyzed me and made it difficult to escape. He made me feel like a helpless child without a mother. Hes lips touched mine as if there was some type of magnetic force pulling us together. I wanted to scream for help but I couldnt allow myself to do so. He stayed close to me as if he was protecting me from harm. But he was the one harming me. I allowed everything to go on for weeks because I was trembling from fear. In the end the stranger I knew was my Uncle. 

One Bad Memory

As you all know from my old blog and from my last post, I wrote about my story. I was a sexually abused when I was younger by an uncle and my stepdad. The abuse with my uncle was bad but what I went through with my stepdad was the worse. I felt paralyzed when everything was happening.........

I am not going to go through the whole thing because I have explained it before in my old blog. Its not that I am not healed or anything. I am still in the healing process. Its just one memory that I cant get out of my head.......

I DO WANT TO SAY THAT I HOPE WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY WILL NOT CAUSE ANYONE TO GET ANY TRIGGERS AND PLEASE BE CAREFUL......

The one memory that is hard to get rid of is the one with my stepdad. One day he followed me in to the room. He then pinned me against the wall. He held me and started moving his body back and forth as though we wanted to have sex with me. It felt that way. Til this day I am not sure if that is considered rape. I was molested I know that much. But raped, I dont think so.

This is one memory that I seem I can't get rid of. Everything else I can block it and not think about it but its just this one that seems to keep coming. As much as I try to erase it, it doesn't want to go. That is the only thing that I am still struggling with. I wish I could get rid of that memory. I hope one day I will be able to get rid of it. I know I am healing. I am not ashamed to talk about what I went through. I just have a hard time talking about that certain part of my abuse. I haven't gotten the proper counselor for this. I never went to counseling for this. But I know in time I will be ok.