I finally told my mother!

 If you have read my previous post, you will know that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested when I was younger by my stepfather. I was around the age of 11 or 12. I cannot remember exactly how old I was when it started. I have blocked so many memories from my past. I only remember some things that were actually okay in my life. Last week, my mother called to tell me that she is separating from my stepfather of being with him for 30 years or so. So I finally got the courage to tell my mother what her husband did to me when I was younger. The only respond I got from her was an "oh wow', then she continued to talk about whatever it was that we were talking about before. It was not the reaction that I had I was hoping for. I thought she would have reacted differently. I was so broken hearted after hearing her response. After I hung up the phone, I just kept crying. It was really hard. Thankfully my son was taking his nap at the time. He is such a sweet kid and cries when he sees someone else crying. I didn't want him to see my in such pain. I was really depressed the next day. I did not want to do anything at all. I had no energy to deal with the day ahead but I had to because I have a 3 year old and my husband was at work. I had to pull myself together for my son. It is not easy telling my mother. I held in that secret for 20 years. That is very hard to do. It was really hard. I am still hurt and it's been a week. It is not something you can get over quickly. No one knows how the victims feels. To be honest, I do not feel any different than I felt before. I thought that after I told her, I would feel the weight lifted off my shoulders but it did nothing. I am not sure if it is because of how she reacted or something else. All I know is that it made me feel worse. I wish I had a mother like my mother in law. I called her after I had hung up the phone and she is the best mother I can ask for. So, that is it for now. I told my mother and now it is out there. Even though it took me so long to tell her, I finally did. It is never too late to say something. 

Happy New Year!

Everyone out there always has a new year resolution. It is to either lose weight, get a better paying job, getting a house or new car, etc. I normally do not make resolutions because I know that I will not stick by it. On that note, I will say that this year I would like to try and work on things that have hindered me in many ways. First of all, I am very insecure when it comes to certain things. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was physically abuse by my mom. She always like to hit and hit hard. I was also bullied all the time in school and at home. Every time I would come home upset because someone hurt my feelings in school, my mom would just tell me to suck it. I dealt with a lot of trauma growing up. I know trauma is a rough word, but some people experience Growing up, there was a lot of yelling going on in the house. I am 32 years old and I do not deal well with confrontation. I cry if someone gets loud in my face. It brings me back to my childhood. I am also a mother to a 2 year old boy and I find myself constantly yelling at him. And I really don't like when I do it.  It's just I feel overwhelmed and frustrated all the time when I am alone with him. My husband works full time and I work part time and I also recently just started online college to get my degree in Early Childhood Education. I want to be a teacher. I love kids. I am also getting my assistant manager position back. So I will be jugging a little extra things this year but I want to be able to focus on myself and not on the things of my past. I don't want to always play the victim card, not that I do all the time, but I want to move forward with my husband and be the best wife and mother I can be. Yes I was sexually abused, I was physically abused and even mentally abused, but I refused to let that continue to take hold of my and keep my down. I want to get over my insecurities. My only goal is to be a better everything and not allow anyone to tear me down.

It's not easy to talk about abuse!

Hey guys. So I started to try blogging again. So one thing that I constantly think about is how many people do not believe victims of sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. They are always pointing the finger at the victim. Like if a woman goes out and wears something that is showing lots of skin, it doesn't mean she was asking for it. That doesn't give the men a right to take advantage of her. Some men need to control that urge. It's not women fault. So with that being said, I would like to share why it's hard for me to speak out to my mother.  

So in my last post, I had shared some of the memories I have that have a huge affect on me. When I was younger and tried to tell my mother what had happened with my stepdad, she didn't want to believe me. I was abused by my stepfather and by an uncle. What happened with my uncle only happened once. I was laying next to my uncle in front of him. I didn't think it was bad that I was next to him. The next thing I knew his hand was inside my pants. He was touching my butt and caressing it. I got up after that. I had told her what he did. At that time he was living with us. She had kicked him out. When some of my family members found out, they told my mother that it wasn't true. How could they possibly know that if none of them were around when it happened? So she chose to believe them and made it seem like he spanked me because I did something wrong. How could you not believe your own child? I know he was her brother but he was also in and out of jail. So you can see why I am still hesitant to tell her now that I am an adult. 

It is hard for me to say because because of a certain member in my family. He believes that it's easy to talk about being abuse and reporting it. Yes some survivors have the courage to stand up and report the abuse. But when you are a child and do not have the support and protection from your mother, how can you report that her husband is abusing you. And what is sad about this is that his own family told my mother not to marry him because he has had a case against him of abuse but the person recanted. Again I ask, how can a mother not protect her child. 

It is not easy to open up about being sexually abused. Some women and men have more courage than others. Some have people in their corners to back them up and be there for the after affects. As I became an adult, I had several boyfriends. And I was okay with having sex with all of them. Obviously not at the same time. At different points of my life. I've had a one night stand before. Some I had met online. It turned out to be someone I has went to school with. After I would have sex with them, I never felt normal. I didn't feel clean. There were time I cried myself to sleep. I was depressed at one point. I thought about killing myself. I didn't have anyone to share my stories with. I mean I had went to church with my sister before she moved to Florida and I got close to someone who I actually looked up to as a mother figure. I had opened up to her. She helped me pray and to try to forgive. How could I forgive this man for doing with he did to me? And my mother for staying with him? 

In 2011 was when I go onto twitter and began finding other survivors and I was able to share my stories with them. It felt really great to be able to talk to people who have been through what I have. People who supported you even though you are a complete stranger. The I found this blog site and started writing my thought.. After sharing my story on here and on twitter, I started to feel a little better. I found sites that had some resources. I looked up a page called RAINN which is for survivors. And there is also The Joyful Heart Foundation which was created by Mariska Hargitay. I am a huge fan of hers. It's rare to see a lot of celebrities care so deeply for such victims of this abuse. I would love to meet her one day. I would also love to share my story with her. Heck, I'd settled if she read this blog lol. But all jokes aside, she is an amazing woman and God bless her for showing all survivors support and giving us courage to heal and push forward and claim our lives back. 

I am also a mother of a beautiful 18 month old son and I am trying to be the best mother I can be to him. But I do find it hard because I didn't have the best mother figure. I was also physically abuse by her, as well as verbally. Whenever I would come home from school because I was being teased and was upset, instead of her sitting down with me to talk to me about, she would just tell me to suck it up. That wasn't right. She should have sat and talked to me to make me feel better. All she would do is yell and scream and just hit. I am trying to not be like her. I refuse to be that way. I love my son so much and I would hurt someone if they ever hurt my child. 

So with that being said, it's not an easy subject to talk about. It took me til I was in my adult years to speak about what happened to me but only online. So whoever read this whether you are a survivor or not, please show love and support to those who are going through this tough journey. Some may have it easy and speak out, other who are like me with no one in their corner has to hide behind a computer and speak out. Even though I don't have to courage to confront my mother and tell her everything, I hope and pray that others have the courage to do so.  Sorry if this post is confusing or if things seem to be all over the place. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave me a comment. You can also follow me on twitter. 
@silence_no

I'm Back!

       Hey everyone. I know it's been years since I have shared a new post on my blog. Life has had me pretty busy. I see that the last post of mine was talking about the miscarriage I had. Well I am happy to say that I now have a 18 month old son who is healthy and growing like a weed. I am so happy and blessed that God gave me the gift to be a mother. I want to be the best mother I can be to my son. My mother wasn't the best mother. It's sad to say that my mother in law is more of a mother than my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother but our relationship isn't the greatest. If you are new to reading this post, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my stepfather and an uncle. Some of the things that were done to me made me feel so disgusting. One time, while my mother was visiting my sister in Florida, I went into the living room which was also my mom and stepdad's bedroom to sit on the couch and watch television. My brother was in his room which was towards the back of the house. He always stayed there so he never knew anything was going on. My stepdad came up to me and was trying to give me a coin that was really cool. I'm not sure how old I was, maybe 10 or 11. I wanted the coin. But then he started to kiss on me. He started to kiss my lips. I didn't know what to do. He was bribing me with this coin because he knew I wanted it to go to store. I wasn't taught good touch, bad touch. I felt betrayed by my body. It was enjoying it. I didn't enjoy it. What child would enjoy being touched or kissed like that by someone your mother had trusted with. He took advantage of me wanted that coin. I can't remember how long it lasted but in the end, I did get the coin and went to the store.
      Another time, I was in my room. He came into my room. I wasn't sure what he wanted and I can't remember what I was doing. All I remember is that he pinned me against the wall and started brushing his body against mine. The she started dry humping me and til this day I can see the look he had on his face. That smile he had. Like he was really enjoying himself. These are the two images that are engraved in my mind. It's hard to just ignore them.
    I have been blessed with the greatest husband in the whole world. The start of this year was a bit rough. My husband and I hit a really rough patch. I'm not going to get into a lot of detail as to what happened but what I can say is that I didn't realized that what I had gone through affected my marriage in certain ways. My husband told me that I need to stop being a victim and allow the healing to take place. I am a big fan of Mariska Hargitay and I love the show Law and Order SVU and my husband brought that up. I should be like to survivors and finally heal. He believes I won't heal until I tell my mother what has happened me. My mother doesn't know that I was sexually abused by her husband. Yes, she is still with him.
       A few weeks after my sister had went to Florida to help one of our family members with the kids, she had called one of our aunts and disclosed that she was sexually abused by our stepfather. My mother, my stepfather and I went to my aunts house. My sister asked to talk to me. She asked me if my stepfather had touched me inappropriately. I told her yes. Then she spoke to our mother to let her know what was going on. Instead of being a lovely, protective mother, she was angry. Not at our stepdad for what he did but at my sister for " lying".  My mother looks at me and tells me that I need to apologize to my stepfather because my sister is lying and I was trying to be like her and accuse him of doing things. Since I was scared, I had too. Since then, my mother doesn't know anything that he did to me. There was no reason to tell her. Til this day, she is with that monster.
     So yeah, I need he healing and I may need to seek therapy. But I don't believe telling my mother would be ok. I have lived with this for 20 years. I'm going to be 32 in August. My husband and I are in a better place now. I haven't seek helped yet but I will try to find a place. But for now, we are doing great and I wouldn't change it. It's just sad to say that my mother will never get the chance to meet her grandson because of that monster and other things. Who knows, maybe one day I will have more courage and tell her. Or I will just use the internet to share my story and maybe she will come across it. But for now, this is the only way I can share my story. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I will try to share more stories.

Micarriage

Hey guys. Its been a while since I have updated my blog and written anything. I hope everyone is doing well. Well you guys are probably wondering why the title of this post is called miscarriage. Well this past week my husband and I have learned that we were expecting and I learned that I was about 4 week along. But things took a wrong turn. I started to bleed a lot and went to the hospital and it turned out that I had miscarried our baby. It is not an easy thing to hear. I was and am still devastated. We just learned this two days ago so it is very fresh in our heads. My husband seems to be doing better than I am. I mean he gets sad just as I do but I cry more than he does. We are not totally sure what caused it but one of the reasons was that we are two different blood types and the baby possibly had my husband's blood type and my body was trying to fight it off. I am sad but I am doing a bit better today. I was so excited because we have been trying for a year to get pregnant and it had finally happened. But we know that God will bless us again and He is in control of everything He does in our lives. We have nothing to worry about as long as He is in control. Even though we have miscarried, that doesn't mean that we aren't parents. WE are still considered parents because we were pregnant and lost the baby. I can now understand what its like to lose a baby. It may not have head arms, legs, or any of that stuff but it was still a baby that was growing inside me. I know we will be ok and things will get better but for now we are taking things one day at a time. So this is all I have to say for now. Thank you for following my posts and my blog and thank you for all your support. I will give another update after a couple of days. Take care everyone.

Sorry for the Delay in Posts.

Hey my twitter friends and blog readers. Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I used too. I have been busy with school and planning things out for my wedding. I have been blessed with an amazing man and I thank God for him. I love that he is so supportive and wants to protect me from harm. He wants to hurt my stepfather for what he has done to me. He wants to beat him with a bat. I don't want my stepfather to die, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I do want him to suffer. I want him to suffer how he made me suffer for years.

To those who are new to my blog and do not know my story I will talk briefly about it...
Well when I was younger, I don't remember the exact age, but it was around 9 or so, I was being molested by my stepfather while my mother was home. She didn't know anything. One of the first encounters was when I was sick, while my mother was cooking, he decided to rub vapor rub Vic on my back and chest. He then started rubbing my nipples with his hands. Since I was sick and young, I didn't think anything of it. Its not until I got older that I realized what was going on. Another incident again had to do when I was sick. My mother and one of my aunts went to Florida to visit my older sister. I was left with my older brother and my stepfather. I was sick with bronchitis. My stepfather again was taking care of me. I was sitting on the couch under my blanket and my stepfather came in and gave me my medicine. He then started kissing my lips. I was scared and my body seemed to enjoy it but I didn't like that. I wanted to scream but I was scared and frozen in fear. I feel disgusted on how my body reacted. He tried to bribe me with snack and junk food and since I was young and sick I let it happen. I then went to the bathroom and he followed me to the room. He pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moved his body back and forth in a sexual motion against my body. Its like he was having sex with me with clothes on. That was one of the worse things ever and one of the memories that I still struggle with. I remained silent for over ten years. I am 26 now. I began to open up April of 2011 through my original blog. If you want to see the post from there, here is the link tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. At that blog you can see more of my story. I also grew up around domestic violence. So I had a rough childhood. If you want to know more. Check out the originally blog.

I also have been doing very well in my healing process. I think I can say that I am completely healed because I don't cry anymore when I talk about my story. I still deal with flashbacks and triggers but it is not as bad as when I first started speaking out. There is hope for healing so don't give up and keep sharing your story and using your voice. If you have any questions or want to know more you can check out my blog, leave a comment, or email me at tclara87@gmail.com. I will be more than happy to answer any questions.

Once again I have returned.

Hello my fellow survivors and twitter friends who read my blog. I realized the last post was in November and its been about 4 months since I last posted anything. Like I wrote in my last blog I have been dating this great Christian man who loves me and wants to help me get through my triggers and flashbacks. I am not sure if I mentioned this on my last post but I am getting married this year as well. My fiance is from Michigan and I will be moving there for the wedding. I live in NJ at the moment. He came to see me for the week of Valentine day and he proposed to me a few days before Valentines day. It was great and I am so happy.......

I know as a survivor it is hard to trust a man with your heart because you have that fear of being hurt or abused again. You carry along all the emotions and memories of what happened to you during your abuse. I have that problem sometimes while with my fiance. But I thank God that he hasnt left me and wants to be there for me when I am going through my triggers and flashbacks. The reason why I am sharing this again is because we as survivors can regain our lives back. I used to be this quiet little girl/teen/young adult because I was carrying such a huge, deep, dark, secret that was eating me up from the inside and I had no one or anything to help me get it out and get through it. My abuse started when I was younger. I cant remember the exact age that I was but I know it was less then maybe 10 years old. I am 26 now. So for over ten years I had carried that huge secret, which was me being sexually molested by two family member and almost raped by one of them which was my stepfather. When I first started sharing my story to anyone, it was around April 2011, and It was on Facebook. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page and started to interact with some of the other survivors. I didnt know about the Joyful Heart Foundation until I saw that Mariska Hargitay was on twitter and it said she was the found of the JHF. So I did research and saw that she is so involved with survivors. I thought it was great since I am a huge fan of hers. Any way I started to interact with a survivor on the JHF Facebook page and I shared my story with her and she showed me alot of compassion and love and told me that I am not alone and that there are many others out there who have been through the same things. So from that moment on I create a blog to help me share my story to others That blog is still open but I havent posted anything in there for a long time so I created a new one which is this one right now. But you can still visit the old blog which is tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. You can check that one out to see how far I have come in my journey. The point is that its a process, you see I started the journey once I began sharing my story which was in 2011, its been three years since I started that journey and it was recently that I can actually share my story without crying so much about the pain I was put through. It still hurts and I do get emotional still but unlike before that I couldnt handle it, I can handle it better now. The thing is that we can all get through it with the help of fellow survivors and with organizations that specify in this area. There are many foundations out there and some of them are Joyful Heart Foundation, nomore.org, RAINN, and several others. But those are the ones that I help and are involved in. Get the help that you need. Talk to RAINN, they have online chat rooms that can help you through everything and anything, find friends that you trust and talk to them. I never sought out therapy and in some ways I wish I could have but I am a Christian and my God is my healer and my therapist and everything above. He has given me freedom and peace from everything I been through. I know not all of you believe in God so I cant force that on you. But to me He has helped me by bringing great friends into my life to help me through my journey and by bringing me a man who accepts that part of me and is willing and wanting to help me get through it even more. You can too have that same peace if you find someone or an organization to help you through your journey as well. My point to all of this is that if I can make it through even though I doubted sometimes, you can make it through too. We are strong together. We can continue to make a difference by sharing our voices and spreading awareness to others about abuse and about getting help. Lets continue to help these organization by saying #NoMore to abuse, #NoMore Victims, #NoMore!!!!!!! We are the voices, we know how it is to go through something horrible. We can be the light on these issues. All we have to do is have courage to share our voices and our stories and everything will be ok. You can do it. Have faith. You can make it through.

The organizations I mentioned can be found on twitter and here are their twitter names...

Mariska Hargitay who is the president and found of the Joyful Heart foundation @Mariska
The Joyful Heart foundation @TheJHF
nomore.org @NOMOREorg
RAINN @RAINN01

Follow these organizations and many more.