Hey everyone. I know it's been years since I have shared a new post on my blog. Life has had me pretty busy. I see that the last post of mine was talking about the miscarriage I had. Well I am happy to say that I now have a 18 month old son who is healthy and growing like a weed. I am so happy and blessed that God gave me the gift to be a mother. I want to be the best mother I can be to my son. My mother wasn't the best mother. It's sad to say that my mother in law is more of a mother than my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother but our relationship isn't the greatest. If you are new to reading this post, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my stepfather and an uncle. Some of the things that were done to me made me feel so disgusting. One time, while my mother was visiting my sister in Florida, I went into the living room which was also my mom and stepdad's bedroom to sit on the couch and watch television. My brother was in his room which was towards the back of the house. He always stayed there so he never knew anything was going on. My stepdad came up to me and was trying to give me a coin that was really cool. I'm not sure how old I was, maybe 10 or 11. I wanted the coin. But then he started to kiss on me. He started to kiss my lips. I didn't know what to do. He was bribing me with this coin because he knew I wanted it to go to store. I wasn't taught good touch, bad touch. I felt betrayed by my body. It was enjoying it. I didn't enjoy it. What child would enjoy being touched or kissed like that by someone your mother had trusted with. He took advantage of me wanted that coin. I can't remember how long it lasted but in the end, I did get the coin and went to the store.
Another time, I was in my room. He came into my room. I wasn't sure what he wanted and I can't remember what I was doing. All I remember is that he pinned me against the wall and started brushing his body against mine. The she started dry humping me and til this day I can see the look he had on his face. That smile he had. Like he was really enjoying himself. These are the two images that are engraved in my mind. It's hard to just ignore them.
I have been blessed with the greatest husband in the whole world. The start of this year was a bit rough. My husband and I hit a really rough patch. I'm not going to get into a lot of detail as to what happened but what I can say is that I didn't realized that what I had gone through affected my marriage in certain ways. My husband told me that I need to stop being a victim and allow the healing to take place. I am a big fan of Mariska Hargitay and I love the show Law and Order SVU and my husband brought that up. I should be like to survivors and finally heal. He believes I won't heal until I tell my mother what has happened me. My mother doesn't know that I was sexually abused by her husband. Yes, she is still with him.
A few weeks after my sister had went to Florida to help one of our family members with the kids, she had called one of our aunts and disclosed that she was sexually abused by our stepfather. My mother, my stepfather and I went to my aunts house. My sister asked to talk to me. She asked me if my stepfather had touched me inappropriately. I told her yes. Then she spoke to our mother to let her know what was going on. Instead of being a lovely, protective mother, she was angry. Not at our stepdad for what he did but at my sister for " lying". My mother looks at me and tells me that I need to apologize to my stepfather because my sister is lying and I was trying to be like her and accuse him of doing things. Since I was scared, I had too. Since then, my mother doesn't know anything that he did to me. There was no reason to tell her. Til this day, she is with that monster.
So yeah, I need he healing and I may need to seek therapy. But I don't believe telling my mother would be ok. I have lived with this for 20 years. I'm going to be 32 in August. My husband and I are in a better place now. I haven't seek helped yet but I will try to find a place. But for now, we are doing great and I wouldn't change it. It's just sad to say that my mother will never get the chance to meet her grandson because of that monster and other things. Who knows, maybe one day I will have more courage and tell her. Or I will just use the internet to share my story and maybe she will come across it. But for now, this is the only way I can share my story. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I will try to share more stories.
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