Suicidal!!!!!

Hey everyone, like I wrote when I started this blog, I am the one who had the blog tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. That blog is no longer active. You can still read my post but I am not writing on that one. I started this new one because I wanted to do things differently.............

Anyway as you read the title you must be thinking what this post is going to talk about. Well I think I might have mentioned it in my other blog but I will talk about it again. When I was in middle school, I was a little depressed. My sister had moved to Florida and she was the only person who I had that I can talk to about anything that was bothering me. Every time I had a bad day at school I tried telling my mother but all she would say is "stop being stupid, "Get over it" "its not that serious". So I would go to my room and cry because I wasn't allowed to express my emotions in front of my mother. That is why now at times it is hard to  show my emotions. I tend the bottle them up. So my sister would always give me advice. So I got a little depressed when she left plus the fact that I was being abused I didn't know what to do. I couldn't talk to my mother because my sister was also molested by our stepfather and our mother didn't believe her so I figured she wouldn't believe me. Which I was right because not only was I abused by my stepfather I was also molested by an uncle and when I told my mother, at first she kicked my uncle out since he was living with us, then after a while she didn't believe me and said it was nothing. So one day at school I was feeling really low. Another thing was that I was constantly being teased and made fun of in school. Again my mother didn't care. So a friend of mine was talking to me and I had it with the person that was teasing me and everyone else and I told her that I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to throw myself out the window. She tells one of our teachers and they call the show psychologist. She sat down with me and asked my why I was feeling that way. I was so scared that I was going to get in trouble. She then called my mother and her and my stepfather came to the school to come and get me. She was pissed. She hated me for it. She got so made that she said she was going to throw me out the window and said since I wanted to kill myself it would look like a suicide. That was the worst thing I have ever heard. I then had to go see a therapist every two weeks for two months. It wasn't a fun place to go. My mother was still upset about that. After all was over I was okay. Then when I got older and the fact that when I was being abused I tried to deny it by hiding it and not letting anyone know I started to get depressed again. The thoughts of suicide came back but instead of wanting to throw myself out the window I started to cut myself. I know people are going to criticize me for what I am going to say but when I cut myself I would never cut deep. I did it enough where I felt some pain but not enough to leave scars. I know people won't believe me but I don't care. I did it. Anyway I did it for a while and it helped. To be honest with you I stopped cutting just last year in 2011 when I finally moved to New Jersey. I knew I was safe and I wouldn't be hurt again. For those who didn't know I was still living at home with my mother who is still living with my stepfather. There were nights where I would cry myself to sleep because I was still depressed. One day I was taking a shower and this was the year I moved. I got so depressed again that I wanted to shallow pills. My mother has a heart problem and her medicines were in the bathroom. I was tempted to take her pills but something stopped me. I know it was God. He has bigger plans for me. But I overcame that urge and just cried myself to sleep. It was when my sister came to visit us in Ct that I decided I wanted to go with her. So now I am happy and doing better. I haven't had the urges of wanting to kill myself. I haven't had much triggers lately. I still struggle with some things but not as much as I was when I was back home..................

Thank You..

I would just like to start out by saying thank you to all my supporters and fellow survivor sisters for helping me through my own healing process as I help you through your own. I am always here to help encourage you to seek help and justice even though I couldn't receive my own. I didn't have a support system like I have now. If I had someone when I was going through the abuse, I would have spoken out and seek justice. But I didn't. Not even my own mother. She is still with the man who molested me and almost raped me. I say its rape because he pinned me against the wall and moved his body back and forth as though he was having sex with me but with clothes on. You know that is the only memory that I struggle with til this day. That happened over ten years ago. How can someone do that to a child? Why? What is the desire to make them hurt a child or woman? How can people be so sick? Can anyone answer these questions for me? I haven't had a trigger in a couple of days. I am still healing. Its hard to heal from something so awful especially since I locked it away for many years. It wasn't until last year in April 2011 that I began sharing my story. I found survivor through the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page by Mariska Hargitay. Through those survivors I found friends who believed my story and helped me through my healing. Through them I also found RAINN which is another organization that helps survivors and victims of sexual violence. They have an online hotline and a number you can call. They also helped me through my healing. I am grateful that I found people who are very supportive. Without them I wouldn't have been able to share my story or my voice.....


So I encourage other women to speak out. I encourage others that if you see a child being harmed, speak out and get help. Don't hold it in. Fight for the children. I made a choice a year ago when I started speaking out. It is hard for me to do at times but I need to speak out about it in order to heal. If I can help other I will keep sharing my voice. I am no longer ashamed of my abuse. Even though my body betrayed me I did not enjoy it. I hated it. I wished it did not happen. I hate that I struggle with my appearance at times. I hate that im afraid to be in a relationship all because of what happened to me. But I know through my healing I will be ok. It takes time but I will be ok. SO CAN YOU. YOU WILL BE OK. I PROMISE. SPEAK OUT. DO NOT BE AFRAID. OUR ABUSERS WILL NO LONGER HAVE CONTROL OVER US. I CHOSE TO BE A VOICE FOR SURVIVORS. I WILL NOT STOP. I STAND UP FOR JUSTICE!!!!!!!!!!!!


Here are the twitter names of the organizations I mentioned
Joyful Heart Foundation @TheJHF
RAINN @RAINN01
Mariska Hargitay @Mariska