I finally told my mother!

 If you have read my previous post, you will know that I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested when I was younger by my stepfather. I was around the age of 11 or 12. I cannot remember exactly how old I was when it started. I have blocked so many memories from my past. I only remember some things that were actually okay in my life. Last week, my mother called to tell me that she is separating from my stepfather of being with him for 30 years or so. So I finally got the courage to tell my mother what her husband did to me when I was younger. The only respond I got from her was an "oh wow', then she continued to talk about whatever it was that we were talking about before. It was not the reaction that I had I was hoping for. I thought she would have reacted differently. I was so broken hearted after hearing her response. After I hung up the phone, I just kept crying. It was really hard. Thankfully my son was taking his nap at the time. He is such a sweet kid and cries when he sees someone else crying. I didn't want him to see my in such pain. I was really depressed the next day. I did not want to do anything at all. I had no energy to deal with the day ahead but I had to because I have a 3 year old and my husband was at work. I had to pull myself together for my son. It is not easy telling my mother. I held in that secret for 20 years. That is very hard to do. It was really hard. I am still hurt and it's been a week. It is not something you can get over quickly. No one knows how the victims feels. To be honest, I do not feel any different than I felt before. I thought that after I told her, I would feel the weight lifted off my shoulders but it did nothing. I am not sure if it is because of how she reacted or something else. All I know is that it made me feel worse. I wish I had a mother like my mother in law. I called her after I had hung up the phone and she is the best mother I can ask for. So, that is it for now. I told my mother and now it is out there. Even though it took me so long to tell her, I finally did. It is never too late to say something. 

Happy New Year!

Everyone out there always has a new year resolution. It is to either lose weight, get a better paying job, getting a house or new car, etc. I normally do not make resolutions because I know that I will not stick by it. On that note, I will say that this year I would like to try and work on things that have hindered me in many ways. First of all, I am very insecure when it comes to certain things. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was physically abuse by my mom. She always like to hit and hit hard. I was also bullied all the time in school and at home. Every time I would come home upset because someone hurt my feelings in school, my mom would just tell me to suck it. I dealt with a lot of trauma growing up. I know trauma is a rough word, but some people experience Growing up, there was a lot of yelling going on in the house. I am 32 years old and I do not deal well with confrontation. I cry if someone gets loud in my face. It brings me back to my childhood. I am also a mother to a 2 year old boy and I find myself constantly yelling at him. And I really don't like when I do it.  It's just I feel overwhelmed and frustrated all the time when I am alone with him. My husband works full time and I work part time and I also recently just started online college to get my degree in Early Childhood Education. I want to be a teacher. I love kids. I am also getting my assistant manager position back. So I will be jugging a little extra things this year but I want to be able to focus on myself and not on the things of my past. I don't want to always play the victim card, not that I do all the time, but I want to move forward with my husband and be the best wife and mother I can be. Yes I was sexually abused, I was physically abused and even mentally abused, but I refused to let that continue to take hold of my and keep my down. I want to get over my insecurities. My only goal is to be a better everything and not allow anyone to tear me down.