It's not easy to talk about abuse!

Hey guys. So I started to try blogging again. So one thing that I constantly think about is how many people do not believe victims of sexual abuse or any kind of abuse. They are always pointing the finger at the victim. Like if a woman goes out and wears something that is showing lots of skin, it doesn't mean she was asking for it. That doesn't give the men a right to take advantage of her. Some men need to control that urge. It's not women fault. So with that being said, I would like to share why it's hard for me to speak out to my mother.  

So in my last post, I had shared some of the memories I have that have a huge affect on me. When I was younger and tried to tell my mother what had happened with my stepdad, she didn't want to believe me. I was abused by my stepfather and by an uncle. What happened with my uncle only happened once. I was laying next to my uncle in front of him. I didn't think it was bad that I was next to him. The next thing I knew his hand was inside my pants. He was touching my butt and caressing it. I got up after that. I had told her what he did. At that time he was living with us. She had kicked him out. When some of my family members found out, they told my mother that it wasn't true. How could they possibly know that if none of them were around when it happened? So she chose to believe them and made it seem like he spanked me because I did something wrong. How could you not believe your own child? I know he was her brother but he was also in and out of jail. So you can see why I am still hesitant to tell her now that I am an adult. 

It is hard for me to say because because of a certain member in my family. He believes that it's easy to talk about being abuse and reporting it. Yes some survivors have the courage to stand up and report the abuse. But when you are a child and do not have the support and protection from your mother, how can you report that her husband is abusing you. And what is sad about this is that his own family told my mother not to marry him because he has had a case against him of abuse but the person recanted. Again I ask, how can a mother not protect her child. 

It is not easy to open up about being sexually abused. Some women and men have more courage than others. Some have people in their corners to back them up and be there for the after affects. As I became an adult, I had several boyfriends. And I was okay with having sex with all of them. Obviously not at the same time. At different points of my life. I've had a one night stand before. Some I had met online. It turned out to be someone I has went to school with. After I would have sex with them, I never felt normal. I didn't feel clean. There were time I cried myself to sleep. I was depressed at one point. I thought about killing myself. I didn't have anyone to share my stories with. I mean I had went to church with my sister before she moved to Florida and I got close to someone who I actually looked up to as a mother figure. I had opened up to her. She helped me pray and to try to forgive. How could I forgive this man for doing with he did to me? And my mother for staying with him? 

In 2011 was when I go onto twitter and began finding other survivors and I was able to share my stories with them. It felt really great to be able to talk to people who have been through what I have. People who supported you even though you are a complete stranger. The I found this blog site and started writing my thought.. After sharing my story on here and on twitter, I started to feel a little better. I found sites that had some resources. I looked up a page called RAINN which is for survivors. And there is also The Joyful Heart Foundation which was created by Mariska Hargitay. I am a huge fan of hers. It's rare to see a lot of celebrities care so deeply for such victims of this abuse. I would love to meet her one day. I would also love to share my story with her. Heck, I'd settled if she read this blog lol. But all jokes aside, she is an amazing woman and God bless her for showing all survivors support and giving us courage to heal and push forward and claim our lives back. 

I am also a mother of a beautiful 18 month old son and I am trying to be the best mother I can be to him. But I do find it hard because I didn't have the best mother figure. I was also physically abuse by her, as well as verbally. Whenever I would come home from school because I was being teased and was upset, instead of her sitting down with me to talk to me about, she would just tell me to suck it up. That wasn't right. She should have sat and talked to me to make me feel better. All she would do is yell and scream and just hit. I am trying to not be like her. I refuse to be that way. I love my son so much and I would hurt someone if they ever hurt my child. 

So with that being said, it's not an easy subject to talk about. It took me til I was in my adult years to speak about what happened to me but only online. So whoever read this whether you are a survivor or not, please show love and support to those who are going through this tough journey. Some may have it easy and speak out, other who are like me with no one in their corner has to hide behind a computer and speak out. Even though I don't have to courage to confront my mother and tell her everything, I hope and pray that others have the courage to do so.  Sorry if this post is confusing or if things seem to be all over the place. If you have any questions, feel free to email me or leave me a comment. You can also follow me on twitter. 
@silence_no

I'm Back!

       Hey everyone. I know it's been years since I have shared a new post on my blog. Life has had me pretty busy. I see that the last post of mine was talking about the miscarriage I had. Well I am happy to say that I now have a 18 month old son who is healthy and growing like a weed. I am so happy and blessed that God gave me the gift to be a mother. I want to be the best mother I can be to my son. My mother wasn't the best mother. It's sad to say that my mother in law is more of a mother than my actual mother. Don't get me wrong, I do love my mother but our relationship isn't the greatest. If you are new to reading this post, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by my stepfather and an uncle. Some of the things that were done to me made me feel so disgusting. One time, while my mother was visiting my sister in Florida, I went into the living room which was also my mom and stepdad's bedroom to sit on the couch and watch television. My brother was in his room which was towards the back of the house. He always stayed there so he never knew anything was going on. My stepdad came up to me and was trying to give me a coin that was really cool. I'm not sure how old I was, maybe 10 or 11. I wanted the coin. But then he started to kiss on me. He started to kiss my lips. I didn't know what to do. He was bribing me with this coin because he knew I wanted it to go to store. I wasn't taught good touch, bad touch. I felt betrayed by my body. It was enjoying it. I didn't enjoy it. What child would enjoy being touched or kissed like that by someone your mother had trusted with. He took advantage of me wanted that coin. I can't remember how long it lasted but in the end, I did get the coin and went to the store.
      Another time, I was in my room. He came into my room. I wasn't sure what he wanted and I can't remember what I was doing. All I remember is that he pinned me against the wall and started brushing his body against mine. The she started dry humping me and til this day I can see the look he had on his face. That smile he had. Like he was really enjoying himself. These are the two images that are engraved in my mind. It's hard to just ignore them.
    I have been blessed with the greatest husband in the whole world. The start of this year was a bit rough. My husband and I hit a really rough patch. I'm not going to get into a lot of detail as to what happened but what I can say is that I didn't realized that what I had gone through affected my marriage in certain ways. My husband told me that I need to stop being a victim and allow the healing to take place. I am a big fan of Mariska Hargitay and I love the show Law and Order SVU and my husband brought that up. I should be like to survivors and finally heal. He believes I won't heal until I tell my mother what has happened me. My mother doesn't know that I was sexually abused by her husband. Yes, she is still with him.
       A few weeks after my sister had went to Florida to help one of our family members with the kids, she had called one of our aunts and disclosed that she was sexually abused by our stepfather. My mother, my stepfather and I went to my aunts house. My sister asked to talk to me. She asked me if my stepfather had touched me inappropriately. I told her yes. Then she spoke to our mother to let her know what was going on. Instead of being a lovely, protective mother, she was angry. Not at our stepdad for what he did but at my sister for " lying".  My mother looks at me and tells me that I need to apologize to my stepfather because my sister is lying and I was trying to be like her and accuse him of doing things. Since I was scared, I had too. Since then, my mother doesn't know anything that he did to me. There was no reason to tell her. Til this day, she is with that monster.
     So yeah, I need he healing and I may need to seek therapy. But I don't believe telling my mother would be ok. I have lived with this for 20 years. I'm going to be 32 in August. My husband and I are in a better place now. I haven't seek helped yet but I will try to find a place. But for now, we are doing great and I wouldn't change it. It's just sad to say that my mother will never get the chance to meet her grandson because of that monster and other things. Who knows, maybe one day I will have more courage and tell her. Or I will just use the internet to share my story and maybe she will come across it. But for now, this is the only way I can share my story. Thank you for taking the time to read this. And I will try to share more stories.