Hey my twitter friends and blog readers. Sorry I haven't been posting as much as I used too. I have been busy with school and planning things out for my wedding. I have been blessed with an amazing man and I thank God for him. I love that he is so supportive and wants to protect me from harm. He wants to hurt my stepfather for what he has done to me. He wants to beat him with a bat. I don't want my stepfather to die, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but I do want him to suffer. I want him to suffer how he made me suffer for years.
To those who are new to my blog and do not know my story I will talk briefly about it...
Well when I was younger, I don't remember the exact age, but it was around 9 or so, I was being molested by my stepfather while my mother was home. She didn't know anything. One of the first encounters was when I was sick, while my mother was cooking, he decided to rub vapor rub Vic on my back and chest. He then started rubbing my nipples with his hands. Since I was sick and young, I didn't think anything of it. Its not until I got older that I realized what was going on. Another incident again had to do when I was sick. My mother and one of my aunts went to Florida to visit my older sister. I was left with my older brother and my stepfather. I was sick with bronchitis. My stepfather again was taking care of me. I was sitting on the couch under my blanket and my stepfather came in and gave me my medicine. He then started kissing my lips. I was scared and my body seemed to enjoy it but I didn't like that. I wanted to scream but I was scared and frozen in fear. I feel disgusted on how my body reacted. He tried to bribe me with snack and junk food and since I was young and sick I let it happen. I then went to the bathroom and he followed me to the room. He pinned me against the wall with my back facing the wall and moved his body back and forth in a sexual motion against my body. Its like he was having sex with me with clothes on. That was one of the worse things ever and one of the memories that I still struggle with. I remained silent for over ten years. I am 26 now. I began to open up April of 2011 through my original blog. If you want to see the post from there, here is the link tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. At that blog you can see more of my story. I also grew up around domestic violence. So I had a rough childhood. If you want to know more. Check out the originally blog.
I also have been doing very well in my healing process. I think I can say that I am completely healed because I don't cry anymore when I talk about my story. I still deal with flashbacks and triggers but it is not as bad as when I first started speaking out. There is hope for healing so don't give up and keep sharing your story and using your voice. If you have any questions or want to know more you can check out my blog, leave a comment, or email me at tclara87@gmail.com. I will be more than happy to answer any questions.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Once again I have returned.
Hello my fellow survivors and twitter friends who read my blog. I realized the last post was in November and its been about 4 months since I last posted anything. Like I wrote in my last blog I have been dating this great Christian man who loves me and wants to help me get through my triggers and flashbacks. I am not sure if I mentioned this on my last post but I am getting married this year as well. My fiance is from Michigan and I will be moving there for the wedding. I live in NJ at the moment. He came to see me for the week of Valentine day and he proposed to me a few days before Valentines day. It was great and I am so happy.......
I know as a survivor it is hard to trust a man with your heart because you have that fear of being hurt or abused again. You carry along all the emotions and memories of what happened to you during your abuse. I have that problem sometimes while with my fiance. But I thank God that he hasnt left me and wants to be there for me when I am going through my triggers and flashbacks. The reason why I am sharing this again is because we as survivors can regain our lives back. I used to be this quiet little girl/teen/young adult because I was carrying such a huge, deep, dark, secret that was eating me up from the inside and I had no one or anything to help me get it out and get through it. My abuse started when I was younger. I cant remember the exact age that I was but I know it was less then maybe 10 years old. I am 26 now. So for over ten years I had carried that huge secret, which was me being sexually molested by two family member and almost raped by one of them which was my stepfather. When I first started sharing my story to anyone, it was around April 2011, and It was on Facebook. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page and started to interact with some of the other survivors. I didnt know about the Joyful Heart Foundation until I saw that Mariska Hargitay was on twitter and it said she was the found of the JHF. So I did research and saw that she is so involved with survivors. I thought it was great since I am a huge fan of hers. Any way I started to interact with a survivor on the JHF Facebook page and I shared my story with her and she showed me alot of compassion and love and told me that I am not alone and that there are many others out there who have been through the same things. So from that moment on I create a blog to help me share my story to others That blog is still open but I havent posted anything in there for a long time so I created a new one which is this one right now. But you can still visit the old blog which is tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. You can check that one out to see how far I have come in my journey. The point is that its a process, you see I started the journey once I began sharing my story which was in 2011, its been three years since I started that journey and it was recently that I can actually share my story without crying so much about the pain I was put through. It still hurts and I do get emotional still but unlike before that I couldnt handle it, I can handle it better now. The thing is that we can all get through it with the help of fellow survivors and with organizations that specify in this area. There are many foundations out there and some of them are Joyful Heart Foundation, nomore.org, RAINN, and several others. But those are the ones that I help and are involved in. Get the help that you need. Talk to RAINN, they have online chat rooms that can help you through everything and anything, find friends that you trust and talk to them. I never sought out therapy and in some ways I wish I could have but I am a Christian and my God is my healer and my therapist and everything above. He has given me freedom and peace from everything I been through. I know not all of you believe in God so I cant force that on you. But to me He has helped me by bringing great friends into my life to help me through my journey and by bringing me a man who accepts that part of me and is willing and wanting to help me get through it even more. You can too have that same peace if you find someone or an organization to help you through your journey as well. My point to all of this is that if I can make it through even though I doubted sometimes, you can make it through too. We are strong together. We can continue to make a difference by sharing our voices and spreading awareness to others about abuse and about getting help. Lets continue to help these organization by saying #NoMore to abuse, #NoMore Victims, #NoMore!!!!!!! We are the voices, we know how it is to go through something horrible. We can be the light on these issues. All we have to do is have courage to share our voices and our stories and everything will be ok. You can do it. Have faith. You can make it through.
The organizations I mentioned can be found on twitter and here are their twitter names...
Mariska Hargitay who is the president and found of the Joyful Heart foundation @Mariska
The Joyful Heart foundation @TheJHF
nomore.org @NOMOREorg
RAINN @RAINN01
Follow these organizations and many more.
I know as a survivor it is hard to trust a man with your heart because you have that fear of being hurt or abused again. You carry along all the emotions and memories of what happened to you during your abuse. I have that problem sometimes while with my fiance. But I thank God that he hasnt left me and wants to be there for me when I am going through my triggers and flashbacks. The reason why I am sharing this again is because we as survivors can regain our lives back. I used to be this quiet little girl/teen/young adult because I was carrying such a huge, deep, dark, secret that was eating me up from the inside and I had no one or anything to help me get it out and get through it. My abuse started when I was younger. I cant remember the exact age that I was but I know it was less then maybe 10 years old. I am 26 now. So for over ten years I had carried that huge secret, which was me being sexually molested by two family member and almost raped by one of them which was my stepfather. When I first started sharing my story to anyone, it was around April 2011, and It was on Facebook. I found the Joyful Heart Foundation Facebook page and started to interact with some of the other survivors. I didnt know about the Joyful Heart Foundation until I saw that Mariska Hargitay was on twitter and it said she was the found of the JHF. So I did research and saw that she is so involved with survivors. I thought it was great since I am a huge fan of hers. Any way I started to interact with a survivor on the JHF Facebook page and I shared my story with her and she showed me alot of compassion and love and told me that I am not alone and that there are many others out there who have been through the same things. So from that moment on I create a blog to help me share my story to others That blog is still open but I havent posted anything in there for a long time so I created a new one which is this one right now. But you can still visit the old blog which is tara-nosilence.blogspot.com. You can check that one out to see how far I have come in my journey. The point is that its a process, you see I started the journey once I began sharing my story which was in 2011, its been three years since I started that journey and it was recently that I can actually share my story without crying so much about the pain I was put through. It still hurts and I do get emotional still but unlike before that I couldnt handle it, I can handle it better now. The thing is that we can all get through it with the help of fellow survivors and with organizations that specify in this area. There are many foundations out there and some of them are Joyful Heart Foundation, nomore.org, RAINN, and several others. But those are the ones that I help and are involved in. Get the help that you need. Talk to RAINN, they have online chat rooms that can help you through everything and anything, find friends that you trust and talk to them. I never sought out therapy and in some ways I wish I could have but I am a Christian and my God is my healer and my therapist and everything above. He has given me freedom and peace from everything I been through. I know not all of you believe in God so I cant force that on you. But to me He has helped me by bringing great friends into my life to help me through my journey and by bringing me a man who accepts that part of me and is willing and wanting to help me get through it even more. You can too have that same peace if you find someone or an organization to help you through your journey as well. My point to all of this is that if I can make it through even though I doubted sometimes, you can make it through too. We are strong together. We can continue to make a difference by sharing our voices and spreading awareness to others about abuse and about getting help. Lets continue to help these organization by saying #NoMore to abuse, #NoMore Victims, #NoMore!!!!!!! We are the voices, we know how it is to go through something horrible. We can be the light on these issues. All we have to do is have courage to share our voices and our stories and everything will be ok. You can do it. Have faith. You can make it through.
The organizations I mentioned can be found on twitter and here are their twitter names...
Mariska Hargitay who is the president and found of the Joyful Heart foundation @Mariska
The Joyful Heart foundation @TheJHF
nomore.org @NOMOREorg
RAINN @RAINN01
Follow these organizations and many more.
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