Another Trigger.

 I was going through my old blog to try and copy some of the post from there to paste over to this blog. I went through all the months of my old blog and found post that said "this is me" which had to do with my life. So I went to my new blog to see if I hadn't already post it on that blog. I didn't post that exact post but I wrote about my life story. But when I went to read it, I couldn't even get through the first line or so. I instantly got a trigger and I had to close the page down for a moment. Its been a while since I last had a trigger especially the way I got it now. I never got a trigger by reading my story. The only times I have gotten triggers and flashbacks is when I start thinking about what happened to me. This time, it was reading my story that caused me to get a trigger. I thought I was doing ok. Its been about a month since I last had a trigger. When I first started talking about or should I say writing about what happened to me, I would get triggers of course because I was first starting to talk about. I denied it ever happened to me. I didn't want to admit I was abused. Anyway after a while I was ok with writing it and talking about. I still get teary eyed when I talk about it but not as bad as before. But again I never had a trigger by READING what happened to me..........

See now this makes me think. Could I be getting worse instead of better? Am I not healing at all. I find this strange because like I said it never happened this way before. I couldn't even look at the entire writing. The first thing my eyes went to was what my stepfather did to me. When I saw that, I quickly closed the page down. My mind brought me back to where I was when that happened to me. Some people say its normal but I just think its strange because it never happened that way before. I dont know what to think any more.

Why Couldn't I Get Help?

WHY COULDN'T I GET HELP? WHY COULDN'T I SPEAK OUT BEFORE? WHY DID I STILL LET THE MAN THAT ABUSE ME STILL TOUCH ME? WHY DID MY BODY DECEIVE ME AND LIKED THE TOUCH? WHY? WHY? WHY?.......................................................

These are questions that I constantly ask myself. I still can't find all the answers I need. I never went to therapy which probably could have helped. It took me over 10 years to finally speak out. I spent those years denying what I went through. Why couldn't I tell my mother every time she confronted me? I didn't have the courage to stand up to her and tell her. Now its too late. She has a heart problem and if I put her through that stress something could happen to her and I don't want to have that blame or guilt on me. This is hard at times. I feel like a child trapped in an adult body sometimes...................

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?.................. IS ALL I KEEP ASKING MYSELF!!!!!